There was a post today on a group I belong to about a 3 year old who sticks her tongue out in defiance. The mom was asking us - WWYD? Someone mentioned washing her mouth out with soap. Someone else mentioned that it was cruel. I responded:
"I
think it is cruel too. There's a difference between giving a natural
consequence for bad behavior, and completely taking someone's personal
power away and "punishing" them. I think parenting is preparing a child
for adulthood, and nowhere in their real
life will someone hold them down and put soap in their mouth (at least -
I hope to raise a child who would never allow someone to do that!). But
if they make poor choices, there WILL be consequences in their adult
life. That's what I focus on teaching. And that's how I look at
discipline - as TEACHING. Not as punishment. I know there are different
parenting styles and they all can work in different ways. It just
depends on what your desired outcome is in a "big picture" way."
And that got me thinking about what my REAL job is as a parent. Parents like to get down in the details, and argue amongst themselves. Spanking or not? Circumcision or not? Car seat diligence or laid back when-and-where judgment? Organic or McDonalds? And the fact is that no matter which way we go on all these issues, most of our children are going to make it to adulthood, and most of them will be functioning, mostly well-adjusted adults. So in the big picture, none of those choices really matter.
My son is five. Because he is five, I pretty much control his world. I decide who his friends are (or at least which ones he can see outside of school). I control what his hobbies are. I control what he eats, drinks, plays. I control bedtime and wake-up time. But a time will come in the not-too-distant future, when I will lose much of that control. It will slowly slip through my fingers until my child is finally an independent adult.
So... what is my desired outcome? What choices am I making today that will impact older childhood and his life as an adult? What kind of person do I want him to be?
I want him to be self-sufficient. I want him to be confident in his abilities. I want him to feel empowered about making choices in his own life. I want him to CHOOSE his life, rather than just sit around and let things happen to him.
So how can I help him get to that point before he flies away from the nest?
And the big picture answer is this:
How I live my life is showing him how life should be lived. How I respond when someone hurts me teaches him how to respond when someone hurts him. The choices I make to be happy teaches him how to make choices to be happy. How I deal with emotions like anger and sadness and betrayal and disappointment will affect his future relationships and friendships and marriage and how HE parents my grandchildren.
It doesn't matter if I feed him organic food. Well - sure, these choices we make have an impact on their health and well-being. But the #1 key to his success as an adult is ME and how I live my own life.
The other key to "big picture" parenting is that in young childhood, we are building a foundation. As I said already, I control his life to a great degree. The things we deal with now are not a big deal in the grand scheme of things... tantrums, five more minutes for video games, I don't wanna go to bed, I don't wanna go to school. Sure, how we respond is a big deal, because it teaches THEM how to respond... but as long as you respond in a way that is true to yourself, it's not a big deal.
What is a big deal is the foundation. As the child gets older, he'll start dealing with adult issues. Friendships with difficult people. Drugs. Alcohol. Sex. Love. Career path. These things ARE a big deal. They are a very big deal. And while he may need me now to wash his sheets and teach him about nutrition, he will never need me more than he'll need me then. If I do not do my part building TRUST between us and making sure he knows I will always be there for him now, he will not feel comfortable coming to me then. He will build a wall between us, and he will make his choices for his life based on advice from other teenagers. Hopefully he will have a trusted teacher or someone who will guide him. I cannot take that chance. I must ensure that my son will be able to come to me. Will be able to talk to me. Will be able to listen to my advice and know that I have his best interests at heart.
I remember being a teenager. I remember rolling my eyes and putting on my headphones and slamming my door and being angry at my parents. I am not naive enough to believe I will never have to deal with that crap. But in a big picture aspect, I have to maximize the odds that my son will be able to talk to me when it is important.
So what does that mean now? It means I will never humiliate him. I will never strip him of his power. I will allow him to make choices whenever possible and will allow him to live with the consequences of his choices. I will be kind. I will be CALM. I will be loving. He will know that I am a safe place. A place without judgment or condemnation or hitting or anger or screaming.
And it means I will continue to work on myself. Being an imperfect person is part of being a person. I don't always do the right thing or be who I know I can be. But continuing to strive to be the best me I can is important. Because he is always watching and learning.
In the big picture, it's not about forcing him to bend to my will or forcing him to fit into my expectations. It's about ME fitting into my expectations. And hoping he will follow.
