Heart beat Heart beat

:heartbeat  :heartbeat

That is what we saw and heard today!

One baby has a heart rate of 134 and is .67 cm and the other has a heart rate of 118 and is .57 cm. They were both just flickering away on the U/S!!!

:)

I'm so happy I can hardly stand it!

Crystal

It's TWINS!

We went in to the RE's office and immediately saw TWO beautiful sacs. He saw the yolk sac for Baby 1 right away and was concerned about Baby 2. Then he got a slightly different angle and saw the yolk sac for Baby 2 as well!

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!

Crystal

Tomorrow is the first U/S

I feel like a kid at Christmas! I know sleeping is going to be challenging tonight.

I just hope we are able to see something and that all looks well!

Today, I am 5W1D.

Got my 2nd beta... but I don't believe it

Not emotionally anyway. Logically, I can understand that the amount of HcG in my blood shows that yes, I am indeed pregnant. In fact, as the RE's nurse and many people here at FT have said, VERY pregnant.

But knowing that logically, and REALLY grasping that there is a little person (or people!) growing inside me, that yes, I am going to be a mom, that although I am still and will always be infertile, that I am no longer "barren" (I hate that word!)

I wonder when I will become obsessive about whether the pg will stick or not. I am not there yet, because I am not fully believing that I am actually pg. I can't have kids, so it can't be true.

I'll put it this way. Have you ever lost someone you love, either by a break-up or by death, and you wake up and that horrible wave of realization comes over you like a punch in the stomach. They are gone. They're really gone. And you feel dizzy, and sick, and the feeling is just SO SO real and palpable.

Well, this is the same type of feeling, but in an opposite way. I will be going about my business, my daily routine, and suddenly I will think "I am pregnant", and that wave of realization hits for only a moment (of course without the horrible pain of loss associated with it) and then I just don't believe it again. It can't be true. I can't have kids, remember?

I really hope that IF doesn't define me to the point where I am unable to enjoy this, no matter how it ends. Of course I hope it ends with our dream coming true.

Oh by the way, my 2nd beta today was 863.

So far, so good. Beta is in...

... and it is 363!

That seems to be right in the middle of possible multis or possible singleton.

I can't believe I actually have a shot at this after all the pain and worry. And I am finding myself in shock because even though I always "stayed positive", I had an underlying fear that I would *never* be pg.

I go back for beta #2 on Friday.

Then if all is well, we go in for a "pregnancy scan" on Dec. 8 to check where they are growing and how many are in there.

Wow.

It is just so unbelievable.

DH is really scared at the prospect of multis. Personally, I wouldn't mind twins but am scared of triplets.

But the best case scenario would be one.

Wow. (touching belly) My potential baby(ies) are actually in there growing.

Crystal

Wow... possibly the end to a rocky road and long journey!

I started getting + HPTs on Friday the 24th. I started testing on Thursday, which was 6dp3dt. It was -... what I expected. But then on Friday, I got a +. It was a Dollar Tree test, so we bought a package of FR tests, and yep, +!!!!

My beta is Wednesday. I am so excited and scared and really in shock. It hasn't sunk in yet that I am REALLY pg.

I'll post again on Wednesday with a number!

Crystal, staring at a Clearblue Digital HPT that reads "Pregnant"

Spoke too soon....

The RE office just called and said my estrogen is still at 75, so they are pushing everything back a week, so ET is now 11/17. Sigh. :(

Crystal

1 embryo, 2 embryos, 3 embryos... Ah Ah Ah Ah!

That is supposed to be my "The Count" impression. Our RE, Dr. Patel, laughs just like The Count. So when DH and I were waiting in the consultation room today, I did my counting-of-embryos impersonation and made DH laugh. :D

We also found a hideous troll-baby photo in a magazine in the waiting room. It is a pic of a baby but someone distorted all the features so it looks like a creepy mutant. DH and I are going to use the picture and make up a card thanking the RE office for their help in giving us our child. Then we are going to secretly post it on their bulletin board with all the adorable baby announcements. Hehehehe...

It was a good visit. Dr. Patel is pretty confident about the FET. The plan is to thaw three 1-day embies, with the goal of putting 2 back. We had a discussion about what to do with the third - if it grows, we'll either re-freeze or put back a 3rd embie. No discarding.

So far, so good. I start my Estrace tomorrow and go down to 10 units of Lupron. Still on track for ET on the 10th!

Crystal

Relax, DAMMIT!!!!

My RE recommended doing acupuncture during this cycle, so I figured I'd give it a shot. In some ways it was what I imagined. Got some hokey "tea" in a tiny cup and flavored with raspberry (not in a large glass with ice and no flavoring as it SHOULD be served :) ). Flute music. Herbs and pamphlets everywhere. Needles in my skin. Certificate on the wall from a "school" of acupuncture. Yep. Pretty much what I expected.

The "doctor" (is that what they call themselves?) asked me a lot of questions about my health, my stress level, etc. I realized that although I am NOT a worrier, that I am also not as "laid back" as I thought I was. My stress comes from the "to-do list" that plays constantly in my head. Not worries about drama in my life or how to handle a problem, but really helpful stuff like "clean the catboxes, feed the fish, feed the cats, feed the dogs, do the cats have water, I need to do laundry tonight, the plants need to be watered, I need to go to Walgreen's, my next doctor's appointment is October 24, I need to answer that email". There is pretty much a constant tape running in my head of "what's next"! I hate that! And before you say it, it doesn't help to write it down. I do (at least the appointments, packing lists, etc. that need to be written down). I still do it, as if it is necessary to map out each day and each week and each month so that I always have CONTROL over what is going on. (Control! That's always the kicker, isn't it?!)

The "doctor" put the needles in place and asked me to just relax (If only those stupid flutes would stop and they'd put on some Cake or Counting Crows instead!). He said to "focus my thoughts internally, focus on my breathing and my body". I would have never thought this was difficult, but it was. My mind kept going back to my to-do list... "When I get to work, I need to post that press release. What's on TV tonight? Oh, Heroes and the TIVOd Desperate Housewives. I also have to do the colors and darks tonight. I need to do a water change on the fish tank." I kept yelling at myself, "RELAX, DAMMIT!!!" which of course is not helpful OR relaxing.

I did leave feeling a little more relaxed, but I credit the fact that I was lying in a bed in the dark being still for 30 minutes rather than having needles sticking all over my body. But who knows? I am ready for this cycle to work, and if this helps, well, then I'll continue to try to RELAX, DAMMIT!

Crystal

Phase 3: PROFIT! (for the RE anyway)

AF came to visit on Friday and now we get ready for another try, attempt #3. This time we'll be doing a FET with our beautiful frozen embies.

I start BCP today and will get my calendar in the next few days. I am still hopeful but also scared. I was so sure it would work last time.

Right now, I am just focusing on the good things and will take it one day at a time.

Crystal

RE consultation after failed cycle

We just got back from the RE's office. Basically good news I suppose. He seems pretty confident there is no reason I shouldn't be able to get pg - he just said that sometimes an embryo seems "excellent" but they just aren't strong enough to implant, and that it doesn't mean the next cycle won't work.

We have nine frozen embies. I wish I had gotten a copy of the report he showed us, but it seems that they are all pretty good quality. Some are three day embies and most are one day embies, ready to grow once thawed.

The embryologist recommendation is to thaw three for the frozen cycle, which of course is good news since in theory it leaves us SIX for sibling cycles or in case this one doesn't work. (Don't think that!)

So now we just have to wait. I am currently experiencing the joy of AF and once that is over, I have to wait for her next visit then start the calendar again. I think this cycle is going to be harder on me because I am not going in with all the hope I had last time. But I have to remind myself that LOTS of ladies have failed fresh cycles and successful FETs.

So here's to the next round. Hopefully it is the one for us.

Crystal

The unfairness of IF and the unanswered questions

Well, as noted, Saturday brought the bad news of an unsuccessful cycle.

The results were HCG of "less than one". Less than one is worse than zero and makes me crazy!

There are just so many unanswered and unanswerable questions.

We started with one "excellent" embryo and one "average". My lining was perfect. All was well. Yet they decided not to stick.

WHY?

Is my uterus such a horrible place that they instantly shriveled away?

Did my need to get up and pee before the 20 minutes were over really cause a problem?

Was it something I did? Too much time in the bouncy car? Eating the wrong things? Working too much? Not enough?

Did these embies get the spark of a "soul" only to fade away? WHY? These aren't just little cells after all, but potential HUMAN LIFE.

If one little thing had gone differently, would I have ended up with a baby or babies from this cycle that will now never exist because of ME??

What if "less than one" meant I had a late implanter and that it is trying to grow now but I stopped the PIO? Am I stupid for wondering that?

And the big question - if a perfect embie couldn't make it in my uterus, how the heck is an FET going to work? We have 9 little frozen embies waiting and we go in Friday for the consultation for this cycle and the options to move on to the next one.

Sometimes I wonder how strong God wants me to be. I already have dealt with IF for several years, lost my little sister Barbara in December 05, got the news of my mom's breast cancer a couple months ago and am watching her go through chemo now... what's next?!?! It is time for some good news.

I am not a whiny person or a complainer. I am generally happy, optimistic, and at peace with life, even when bad things are happening. But I really had hope for this cycle and I was crushed to get the news of the BFN.

Oh well, back to work I go. Put on a happy face and just do what I have to do and hope the next one works.

Crystal

Progesterone woes (again!)

I have been using progesterone suspended in sesame oil. It is fine - no complaints. But I ran out, so today I had to use progesterone left over from our previous cancelled cycle. Rather than one big vial with a rubber lid you stick a needle through, they are tiny glass vials that you have to break open to use!

Yesterday, I decided to try to open one, and stupidly used my teeth, thinking there must be something that twists off. In hindsight that was really stupid, and I knew it as soon as I was spitting glass shards into the sink.

A call to my RE's office cleared it up. You have to break it at the narrow part of the vial using an alcohol pad. Yep, you have to BREAK GLASS and hope no tiny shards get into the liquid.

So today I had to break 2 little vials (turning my eyes away and grimacing and finally calling DH to open the 2nd one) and draw up the 2 ccs of progesterone.

Then DH gave me the shot.

Unlike the PIO with sesame oil, this stuff STINGS!!! I looked at the ingredients and it is in ALCOHOL instead of oil!!! No wonder. Who thought THAT was a good idea?!!

So I ordered another big vial of the PIO from the pharmacy which should be here today.

I won't be using those little ones again unless I have to!

Crystal

Embryo transfer complete!

On July 31, 2 embryos were transferred into my uterus! :) One was an "excellent" and one was an "average" grade.

We got to the office at 11AM and the transfer was scheduled for 11:45. I already had to pee when I got there and kept drinking.

Dr. Patel came in and explained that because there was only one "excellent" embryo, we may want to consider transferring 3. We talked about it for a few minutes and stuck with the original plan of transferring 2.

They took me in the procedure room and did an U/S. He said my bladder wasn't full enough and gave me another bottle of water which I downed in about a minute. At 12:20, we started up again and by this time, I needed to pee so bad, it was excruciating! And of course the speculum and the doc's cleaning of my cervix wasn't too fun either. (He said I had the most cervical mucus he'd seen all day - dunno if I should be proud or disgusted!).

The transfer wasn't easy - I am a little "fluffy" so he was having a hard time seeing what he wanted to see with the tummy U/S. He had to use the vaginal U/S - some special wand. It took a lot of playing around with the catheter before he got it aimed where he wanted. DH says the embryologist looked like she was praying behind him. They were very careful and precise, which was great to know, but not easy to wait through when you have to pee that bad.

Once it was over, I was supposed to lie on my back for 20 minutes. I only made it for 10 and was having such severe bladder cramps that I couldn't even sit up or lift my knees. The doctor said it was better to go ahead and get up to pee than to sit there cramping for 10 more minutes.

DH and the nurse had to support me as I made my way to the restroom because I was cramping so bad I couldn't walk.

I was paranoid as I went that I'd push the embies out. They promised me that it couldn't happen though.

Now I just wait until August 12. I have one HPT left from the clomid days, and I'll probably POAS the morning of the beta - if it is + I can be happy, and if it is -, at least I can steel myself for the possibility of a negative beta instead of having the wind knocked out of me at work.

I have to say that I feel very relaxed and at peace. I really have a strong feeling that this will work. I hope the feeling of peace continues as I go through the 2WW. I am still a little sore from the transfer, and it is very difficult to sit still - I did cave and cleaned up a little because DH just leaves glasses, pizza boxes, wrappers, etc. laying around and it causes me more stress to look at them than just to clean it up.  But he is helping me with feeding pets, caring for the fish tank, and the stuff that has to be done each day.

Oh, and there are 9 frozen embies. They froze 5 of the 11 that fertilized right away, on day 1. They say they have much higher implantation rates from FETs when the embies were frozen right away. Of the other 6, 2 were implanted, there is one more "average" quality one, and 3 that he still felt were worth freezing but he gives them a lower chance of being viable. So we have 9 frozen embies waiting for us.

Crystal

Giving yourself PIO shots...

...SUCKS!!!!

I had my first one on Friday, and DH did it, which wasn't too bad. Right before he did it, I was panicked and kept saying "I'm scared! I'm scared!" Then he said "I already did it." "Oh. That wasn't so bad. Ok, so push in the plunger slowly to let the PIO out." "I already did that too."

DH had to go up north to work on our house this weekend so I had to give myself shots. Looking at that huge needle and trying to push it into yourself is not easy.

BTW I did it by getting naked, sitting on the bathroom vanity, making sure all the weight was on the leg on the floor, and turning my hip toward the mirror. I have read where people were able to do it just turning around and looking, but my (o)(o) are too much in the way, so I had to use the mirror.

While it worked well, I had panic attacks and had to talk myself down both mornings before I was able to do it. Today, I had to line the needle up, then look away and push! I also had one tiny experimental poke that caused a lot of blood before I got to the real one.

I really look forward to DH being back tonight so he can take over!!! And of course, tomorrow is the big ET day so I am glad I don't have to have a panic attack tomorrow. A nice calm uterus. Yes.

Of course, I got a bruise my first time, and now, after DAY 3, my hips are already black and blue!

Anyway, thanks for listening to my PIO rant. You ladies who have been doing it for weeks and weeks are brave women. It just goes to show what we will go through in order to make our dream come true.

I posted a shorter version of this in the IVF/High Tech forum then realized it should be a blog entry.

Crystal

11 embryos

Egg retrieval was yesterday. I wrote a card for the donor thanking her... that was an interesting experience. It made it so real putting all my thoughts into words and realizing what she did for us.

If the situation was reversed, I don't think I could donate my eggs. Yet she did it. I just think it is amazingly generous!

So they retrieved 21 eggs. I got the call a couple of hours ago that 17 of those were mature and 11 fertilized.

Right now, across town, we have 11 little embryos growing!

This is the first time I have gotten this far in the process, and it feels like the night before Christmas. I am so excited and have butterflies and life is just rich with hope and possibilities!

If all goes well on Monday I will be pregnant for the first time in my 38 years. That thought is so overwhelming!!!!

Crystal

Sitting at work, trying to care

It isn't that I dislike my job. I like it. I really do.

It's just that I don't CARE right now.

I want to think about babies.

Not brochures and websites and mailing lists.

So I am sitting here with a Lupron headache and restless feet and am trying so hard to concentrate on getting marketing materials out. But it isn't easy.

At the end of this month, my uterus should have embryos in it for the first time ever. THAT is an exciting and terrifying thought!

More later... I'm going to try to get some work done. Sigh.

Crystal