A couple of photos of me and Wyatt

Wyatt in his semi-formal attire

Cliffie and Zoja's wedding:

A few photos from Christmas

Wyatt hand

Wyatt and I went to the mall to get some new shoes for my gym classes (I only wear sandals usually).

Coming out of the mall, I told him he has to hold my hand, because we are walking in the street. He knows this is the rule and usually doesn't argue. But this time he said "No."

I looked down at him. "No?!??! You know you have to hold someone's hand when you are crossing the street."

He looks at me with a serious expression, clasps his hand around the fingers of his other hand and says "Wyatt's hand."

I said "You are going to hold Wyatt's hand to cross the street?"

"Yes."

I laugh. "No, honey. You have to hold Momma's hand."

He fought me the whole way... kept screaming "No, no! Wyatt hand! Wyatt hand!" trying to hold his own hand. LOL.

Just thought that was funny and want to remember it.

Crystal

Thanksgiving

I am most thankful for Wyatt. God blessed me with him and I can't imagine my life without him. He brings joy to me every day and makes me want to be a better person. I always thought that sounded so trite when I heard it but I know exactly what it means now. I am so so thankful I get to hold his little hand crossing the street, receive his sweet "MWA!" kisses, and even hear him calling "Momm-ee! Momm-eee!" from his crib when I go in for the 30th time to tell him that he needs to close his eyes and go back to seepy.

I am thankful for God, of course, but to me, that is wrapped up with my thankfulness for Wyatt. Because Wyatt was the greatest gift God could give me and I see God every time I look into his blue eyes. I say prayers of thanks every single day.

Happy Thanksgiving to all.

Crystal

Matic

Scene: Mommy is trying to put jammie bottoms on Wyatt but Wyatt wants no part of it. He keeps turning onto his belly. So Mommy grabs his legs and twists him over to his back.

Wyatt: "Ow! Ow!... BLOOD!"

Mommy: "Blood? Don't you think you are being a little dramatic?"

Wyatt: (giggle) "Yes!"

A few minutes later:

Wyatt: "Matic. Matic."

Mommy: "What? Matic?... ... OHHHHHH, you were being DRAMATIC."

Wyatt: (giggle) "Yes."

A few moments go by.

Wyatt: "Funny. Funny. Heh heh."

He's so cute.

Crystal

Sense

I always tell Wyatt when he is being silly "That doesn't make sense!" and he always giggles and says "Sense!!!!"

So tonight during feeding time, he had turned off the ceiling fan and when it stopped spinning, he pointed up and said "Off. Ba-ees (it needs batteries)!" then he giggled and said "Sense!!!!" I laughed and said "No, that doesn't make sense, does it?"

Then he pointed to the air conditioner vent and said "Ba-ees!!!" "Sense!!", just cracking himself up.

It was so funny to see him making a "joke".

Crystal

The Whee

Wyatt is currently obsessed with the garbage truck. He loves it when I take him outside to watch the garbage truck picking up the cans and dumping them. He asks every day to go watch "ga-tuk! ga tuk!" and I tell him the garbage truck only comes on Tuesdays and Fridays. So anytime I mention ANY day of the week, like telling DH "Oh I have an appointment Monday.", Wyatt whips around and says "GA-TUK!" and I have to say "No, garbage truck comes on Tuesday and Friday, not Monday." and he says "Uh-huh" or "O-tay". LOL.

Last night, we went for our nightly walk and he wanted to go in the opposite direction than we usually go. We walked down about a block and he stopped when he got to the speed bump, or as he calls it, the "whee". He then said "Whee!" and I thought he wanted to walk on the whee, so I took his hand and we walked out in the road... he looked at me and said "No. Cars. Whee." "You want to watch a car go over the whee?" "Uh-huh". So luckily we live on a pretty busy street. We waited a minute or so until a car came and drove over the speed bump. Wyatt said "WHEE! Again! Again!"

So we ended up sitting at the end of the neighbor's driveway right next to the speed bump watching cars go over it for... 30 minutes. That's right. A 2-year old boy sat patiently and waited for cars to come by for 30 minutes. And then didn't want to leave! I finally got up and said "OK, one more and we have to go." When the next car came, I said "Ok, Wyatt that's enough of the whee." He looked up at me, patted the ground next to him and said "No, mama. Sit. Sit. Wait."


Crystal

Back from Colorado

It was pretty fun. Wyatt is so funny. A couple things I want to remember.

Me: C'mon, Wyatt. Let's go to the elevator.
Wyatt: Alligator! RAWR!
Me: No, not ALLIGATOR. Elevator. Buttons.
Wyatt: Buttons!!!!

Me (reading Goodnight Moon): And a quiet old lady who was whispering...
Wyatt: BEEF!
Me: The quiet old lady was whispering BEEF?"
Wyatt: (giggling) Uh-huh.
Me: Let's try this again. And a quiet old lady who was whispering...
Wyatt: HONK!
Me: AII! The quiet old lady whispered HONK?
Wyatt: Uh-huh.
Me: One more time. And a quiet old lady who was whispering...
Wyatt: WHAT THE?!?!
Me: The quiet old lady whispered What the?
Wyatt: Uh-huh (still laughing)
Me: What did the quiet old lady really whisper?
Wyatt: (whispering) Huuussssshhh.

There's more. But I am so tired. I hope I can remember more tomorrow. We had fun watching the train, walking by the river, driving in the Jeep, and seeing waterfalls and a baby snake!

Crystal

Wyatt pics

Wyatt's Secret commercial, and what happens when you tell a 2 year old to "say cheese!"

Plum! Apple!

It is supposed to be "18 month - 2T" but is sized more for a 4 or 5 year old!!!!! It's HUGE.

I have to hold it up to him when I get home and see if it is worth trying to take it in or not. Ugh.

Stupid sizing.

Wyatt and I had our first argument. He was eating plums with his Grandma and he pointed to it and said "Apple." I said, "No, that's a plum." and he said "Apple!" We went back and forth about 30 times - "Plum!" "Apple!" "Plum!" "Apple!"

Then the next day I asked him to do something, and he said "NO!" I said "Yes!" He said "NO!" I said "YES!" He said... "APPLE!" LOL. So I said "Plum!" and off we went again.

I can still say "PLUM!" and he answers "APPLE!" over a week later. LOL.

And in The Very Hungry Caterpillar I pointed to the plums and asked what they were. He said "Plum" then stopped himself and said "APPLE!"

I think he is liking this arguing thing.

Crystal

I look old!

I look old.

We were watching the videos of when Wyatt was born and in the NICU and there's one where I have Wyatt cuddled under my shirt doing "kangaroo care". I look SO YOUNG in that video. And it was only two years ago.

How can I have aged so much in two years? It is really shocking.

And I still feel like that teenager who graduated HS 23 years ago. 23 years!!! And that 20-something smartass girl trying to be independent. And here I am 41 years old and still time keeps ticking by.

I guess no matter what we do, we keep aging and one day, we just won't be here anymore.

I just hope I am here long enough to watch Wyatt grow up.

Crystal

Fire

Wyatt likes fire. In Flagstaff, we gather wood and build fires in our fire pit. We also burn our garbage there.

So we were reading Goodnight Moon tonight and he always likes to point at the things in the book and either tell me what they are or have me tell him.

He points to the fire and says "Fire" (which sounds more like BAR, but I know what it means). I say "RIGHT! And what do they burn in the fire?" expecting him to point to the wood pile next to it and say "Wood".

But he says "Baj" (Garbage). Hahahahhaha. I laughed and laughed.

We went to storytime yesterday. They have a little table with plastic frogs and lizards in it. You hold a magnet under the table and you can make the frogs and lizards move around.

A little girl was playing with it and Wyatt was entranced. He kept yelling "FROG!" FROG" and the girl would make the frogs go into this tunnel on the table. When they went in, Wyatt would ask "Is? Is?" and I would say "They are in the tunnel!" and he would say "YEH!!!!"

It was funny. He also didn't like it when she'd make the lizard go in there. I guess it was for frogs only! Every time the lizard went in, Wyatt would start yelling "MOOF! MOOF! MOOF!" (Move). Today, he was telling me the story again... "MOOF! MOOF!" and I said "What needs to move?" He just kept saying "MOOF!" and I said "OOOHHHHH, the lizard?" "YEH!!!"

Another funny thing. There was a lady outside the library cleaning the windows. She had a squeegee on a stick that must have been 15 feet long doing the top windows. Wyatt walked up to the library looking at rocks and such as usual when he noticed the squeegee. He stopped in his tracks, got all wide-eyed, and said "Wowwwwwww." LOL

He also put a slinky on his arm today, twisted his arm as if showing it off, and said "Watch." I asked "Ohh, is that your watch?" and he giggled and said "Uh huh".

He makes me laugh. I need to remember to record all these silly things he does.

Crystal

Words

Wyatt now knows most of his colors. He can easily tell you if something is red, purple, orange, black, or yellow. He's starting to get blue and green and white. He loves pointing out what color things are.

Other words that are pretty new:

"All gone."
"Beep" (Jeep)
"truck"
"CAR!!!" (said with enthusiasm if one is coming toward us while we are walking)
"Baj" (garbage)
"Mailbox"
"Chapstick" (easy to decipher because he does the hand movement of putting chapstick on when he says it)
"Earrings" (he loves taking my earrings out for me)
"Couch"
"Bib" (crib)

I am sure there are more.

He is also starting to put words together to form an idea. Like he wanted his red blanket tonight and instead of just saying "Menket! Menket!", he said "Mama! Menket. Red." telling me to go get it for him. LOL.

Crystal

Wyatt swimming video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GBxdJvlCIJ0

Singing in the rain, just siiiiinging in the rain!

Ok, so we weren't really singing this time.

But we got a freak rain (of course - since it was the night I was going to go out and look for Perseid meteors!)

I opened the door to show Wyatt and he got so excited (we don't see rain often) so we went outside. It ended up being a nice warm rain, so we hung out there for a while. We walked up and down the street and splashed in the gutters and he LOVED it.

Finally he started saying "Brrr! Brr!" I asked, "Are you cold" "Yeh!" So I started toward the house and he said "No! No! Rain! Rain!" LOL

So we stayed out in it a few more minutes, then went in for a warm bath.

Crystal

I will buy you a new life (as sung in my car today)

No parentheses = Crystal and Everclear singing.

Parentheses () = Wyatt singing

=================

Here is the money that I owe you (you!)
So you can pay the bills (billll)
I will give you more
When I get paid again

I hate those people who love to tell you (youuu)
Money is the root of all that kills
They have never been poor
They have never had the joy of a welfare christmas (MAS!)

Yeh (YEaaaaah!)
I know we will never look back
Yeh (Yeeeeh!)

You say you wake up crying (cry!)
Yes and you dont know why
You get up and you go lay down
Inside my babys room (ROOM!)

I guess Im doing ok (ooookaaay!)
I moved in with the strangest guy
Can you believe he actually thinks
That Im really alive (lif!)

I will buy you a garden
Where your flowers can bloom (boom)
I will buy you a new car
Perfect shiny and new
I will buy you that big house (house!)
Way up in the west hills
I will buy you a new life
Yes I will

Yes, I know all about that other guy (guy!)
The handsome man with athletic thighs
I know about all the times before
With that obsessive little rich boy

They might think you think you're happy
Yeah maybe for a minute or two (two)
They cant make you laugh
No they cant make you feel the way that I do

=========================

There are about 4 Everclear songs on my MP3 cd, and Everclear sings "YEAH" a lot in their songs and Wyatt matched them yeah for yeah. It was hilarious and I was trying so hard not to laugh as I was singing.

I love that boy.

Crystal

Wyatt!!!!

Wyatt had a rough night. He kept crying and waking me up all night. I have no idea what was wrong.

But once, rather than crying, I was awoken by this:

"What the?!?"

"What the!?!?!"

"Wyyyaaattttttt!" (in my 'scolding' voice)

"Wyyyyattttt!!!!!"

And then he went back to sleep. I wish I knew what he was doing in his dream that he needed to be scolded for. LOL.

He's been doing that lately. Like he went over to the cat litter box and picked up the scoop, and I said "Wyyyyatttt! No, no no!" About 10 minutes later, he walked over to the box again, reached for the scoop, stopped, and then told himself "Wyyyyyattt! No no no!"

I cracked up!



Anyway, I am going to lie back down. I feel miserable and MIL is hanging out with Wyatt, so I'm taking the opportunity for some extra sleep.

Crystal

Wyatt words

I just like to do this every once in a while to record memories.

Dees = Daisy the dog
Meemee = Grammy
Puh-puh = purple (the first color he learned! He now also says "onge" (orange) but still won't say easy ones like blue and red.
Meen-it = Blanket
Nan-neet = Cat treats
Li li li li li - Light. No idea why he says it a bunch of times.
Weet! Weet! = Cream of Wheat
Sucka!!!!! (said with gravelly gusto!) = lollipop
Mip = Milk
Awwww-bum! = awesome
Moke = smoke, which he is obsessed with. Water mist, clouds, car tailpipes are all "moke".
Pop! = The Very Hungry Caterpillar book
Butt-butt = butt. No idea why this is a two-part word. He likes to point out butts on cats, dogs, and people though.
Peeeee-EWWWW! = when something smells. As in (sniffing blanket) "Peee-ewww! Wash! Wash!" (putting it in laundry basket)
Oof! Oof! = sees a dog
Pssssssssssssssssssssssss (brake noise) = sees a bus
Whhhhhhhhhhhhhh = hears air conditioning noise
He's big on sound effects and copies whistles.
Gas = any type of tank or cover to underground gas, water, electric, etc.

Crystal

Wyatt and Grand Canyon pics

A few videos - Wyatt saying Wyatt

A few new videos...

Wyatt toots in the tub:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zyv2KFbfyHE

Wyatt's 2nd birthday cake. Some of the worst birthday singing you've ever heard!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0f0_2yI8Ycw&ft=6

Wyatt splashes & slides:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qqf-7brJNb0&ft=6

Wyatt says Wyatt... kinda.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mS1fjVkh1mY

...

Wyatt progression pic - birth to age 2

Mama!

Instead of a loud cry in the morning, I was woken by:

"Mama! Mama! Maaaaaaamaaaaaaa!"



Crystal

Wyatt words

Just for the sake of remembering:

Days (Daisy the dog)
Momo (Eskimo the cat)
Nendy! Nendy! (Candy!)
SUCKA!!!!! (lollipop)
Bankit (blanket)
Tim (uncle Tim)
Baby (cousin Aidan or anytime he sees a stroller or car seat)
Ice (ice, or any cold drink)
Tea! Tea! (any drink)
Coke! (our neighbor gave him a glass bottle of Mexicoke, and he LOVED it and says Coke every time we walk by the neighbor's house)
Meemee (Grammy)
Brana! (cousin Briana)
Bahf (barf) and poop (still obsessed over these!)
Eye, knee, elbow, teeth, mouf (mouth)
Feet (used for feet and for when he wants shoes on his feet)
zhuuus (shoes)
tocks (socks)
Tink dooooo (thank you - used for thanking as well as when he hands something to you)
Peeeeeeeeeees (please)
Mon! Mon! (C'mon!)
Go! Go!
Up! Up!
Li li li li (light)
On, off
Many words for YES: Yes, yeh, mmm-hmmm, 'kay, Uh-huh
NO!!!!! (just started answering all questions this way. LOL)
Cack-cack (means both "cracker" and "Chapstick" - if you ask him which, he will make the motion of putting Chapstick on if that's what he means)
WHOA!!!!!!
Car
Truck
Honk and keys (both used for keys - my keys have a button that causes the car to honk)
Gas (pointing to door to gas cap)
Push (when he wants to swing)
What the?!?!?!?! (so funny!)
Wyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy (when I say "Wyatt!")
Ow, ouch, and a funny breathing noise that means he has an owie
Pee (starting to say it when he pees!)
Down!
Walk
Wash (used when at a restaurant and he wants to go, because washing his hands and face is the last thing we do.) He also sniffed his blanket, said "Peeeee-EWWW!", got out of bed, walked over to the laundry basket, deposited the blanket in it, and said "Wash! Wash!" LOL
Bome (phone or remote)
Ome! Ome! (home, when he wants to go home)
Cuu-wad (quad/atv)
Watch, said perfectly! Easy to distinguish from wash.
Pee-wee (the cat)
Eat! Eat! (when hungry)
Book!
Pop! (the Very Hungry Caterpillar)
Hush (Goodnight Moon - although I read "...and a quiet old lady whispering..." and he answered "POP!" LOL
MEOW!!!!
Woof, woof!
eye-eee (Ivy, the neighbor's dog)

There's probably lots more. I just want to remember what I can.

Crystal

Creepy incident !

Every night, Wyatt and I go for a "walk" before dinner and bath time. It's usually around 8PM or so. Tonight, we were walking (which really means Wyatt cruises around everyone's yards messing up their landscaping LOL) and we were 2 houses west of ours when an older pickup truck headed toward us.

Now our street is super busy, so a truck coming at us isn't a big deal.

But this particular truck was driving west on the wrong side of the street (the side WE were on!), right up next to the gutter. AND its engine and lights cut off right next to our house. It continued to coast toward where Wyatt and I were with the engine cut off, and my "somethin' ain't right" alarm started going off. I scooped Wyatt up and kept watching, ready to run if anything started going down.

At this point I still thought maybe it was a friend of the guy who lives at the house we were at stopping by in an odd way. But the driver just sat in the truck. So I wanted out of there.

I had to walk right by the truck to get back to my house. So I walked by and said "Are you having car trouble?", figuring I'd at least let him know I see him if he is up to no good. I was so scared walking by that truck - scared that he had a gun or would try to grab Wyatt. There was a very skanky looking girl in there with him.

He answered "Yeh, we're out of gas."

I said "Oh man, that sucks" and kept walking. He stayed in his truck parked there. I kept walking and went PAST our house, not wanting him to see where we live. Then when I got to the dark area past our house, I cut into the yard.

When we went out of sight, he started the truck and left!

I thought he was out of gas!

Anyway, something DEFINITELY was up. Not sure if we were part of it, or if we just happened to be there, but now I am freaking out a little and am going to be scared to go to sleep.

Crystal

The way its meant to be isn't always the way you wanted it to be

To my infertile friends.

I want to let you know I know exactly how you feel. It sucks when your body doesn't do what it was designed to do, and you just feel like a failure and wonder why everything has to be so hard for you when it comes to others so easily.

You are scared it will work and you are scared it won't work. You are scared it will work and you'll lose the pg. You are scared of multis. You are scared you'll go through all the shots and pain and still have nothing to show.

I started on clomid after trying for about a year. Then found I had blocked tubes. Then when we tried IVF, found that my ovaries are so high, they had to cancel the cycle because they couldn't get to the eggs. I had a diagnostic lap, and I had so much scar tissue that they couldn't move the ovaries back down or unblock my tubes (I hear Toni Braxton in my head... "Unblock my tuuuuubes, say you'll love me agaaaaain"). So after visiting several REs to see if anyone could do a laparoscopic retrieval on me (they can't!) I was forced to go with donor eggs.

I ended up getting pg in late 2006 with twins, then lost one in early 2007. After dreaming of a natural vaginal birth, I ended up with severe pre-eclampsia, a c-section, and a 31 week preemie. After dreaming of breast feeding, I ended up with a baby who absolutely refused and I had to pump for 6 months.

So nothing worked out like it was supposed to, and yet everything worked out like it was supposed to. I have my son, who is perfect and meant for me. He is the baby I was supposed to have and he got to me the way he was supposed to get to me. NOTHING happened the way I dreamed, but looking back I know it all happened exactly how it was supposed to.

Since then, I found myself miraculously naturally pg just to discover it was ectopic, which ruptured, which resulted in another full surgery to repair. It never ends! And the pain and longing for the 2nd child, while not the same as before the 1st, is just as real and horrible.

So you have to let it go. You have to take it one day at a time and one step at a time. You can't let the "what if"s rule your mind. You can't worry about things that are out of your control.

And there are some things you have to accept. Other people WILL be pg, and you WILL be angry and hurt by it. That's ok.

You may have to go further down the path to your child than you thought you might have to go, and the path may be dark and scary and overgrown and you may be walking it all alone while the rest of the world is a mile back enjoying a picnic at the lake with their stupid laughing happy children, but you have to remember that your child is at the end of that path and keep walking forward. One step at a time. One breath at a time. One shot at a time. Just keep going forward.

Hugs to you. I hope you find support, and most of all, I hope this cycle is it for you and you get to go back to the picnic with your child, who will be cuter than all those other brats.

BEEP!

We were reading Goodnight Moon and The Very Hungry Caterpillar before bed, just like every other night.

He points to the tiger rug in Goodnight Moon and says "ROOOOOOAR!" First of all, I've never read or shown him ANYTHING with a tiger or lion in it so how would he recognize it, and secondly, how would he know they roar? I need to talk to Grammy about this one.

Then during the caterpillar book, I always read "One Sunday morning the waaaarm sun came up and..."

And Wyatt says "POP!"

But tonight, Wyatt said "People!"

then collapsed in a fit of giggles.

????

Then near the end, I read "The next day was Sunday again..." and Wyatt interrupts me with "BEEEP!" and again, started giggling. Then the last couple pages, he just kept beeping and laughing. ????

Then when we turned the light out, he pulled my arm around him and laid still. After a couple minutes, he said "Beep." with a quiet giggle one last time, then fell asleep.



Crystal

Wyatt is TWO today!!!

Two years ago today, I was in the hospital. I was crying and high on magnesium sulfate. I was so scared.

About an hour ago two years ago today, I was sliced open and the tiniest baby I had ever seen was pulled out of me. He cried a little chipmunk cry and they took him away from me. Several hours later, I saw him for the first time and stroked the side of his temple.

Since then, we've been through first smiles, first laughs, first steps, first words, sleep issues, feeding issues, irrational fears, and complete joy.

Today, he has been with me for two years. The best two years of my life.

Happy birthday my sweet little puffalump. Mommy loves you more than anything else in the whole world.

Crystal

Wyatt photos

The pain of infertility

Trying to explain the pain of infertility to someone who has kids requires more than just saying "imagine your life without your kids". Others in your life probably didn't have to fight for their kids, so they were just another thing that happened in their lives, like getting a career, getting married, etc. Not that they don't love them, but the kids were a given. Of course they would have kids. Why wouldn't they?

The pain of infertility is more than just wanting children. It includes:

- The fear that you'll never be a Mommy.
- The anger that you can't have what comes so easily to others.
- The constant reminder of what you lack. Babies and pg women are EVERYWHERE.
- The anger that your body is useless and broken.
- The fear that you'll never be able to continue your family line.
- Constant news from the media that there are people out there who don't give a rip about their kids and even HURT them intentionally!!!
- Anger at God (or fate or nature) for putting you through this with lots of "WHY??????" questions.
- The sadness that you are letting your partner down or they got a "bum deal" getting an infertile partner.
- Fear of judgment from the world for considering different options
- The ache for a baby. I think this is what the general population thinks is the only pain associated with IF, but even then, they don't GET how strong this ache is, and how desperate. You don't know and can't know unless you experience it.

Each person can feel some of these more strongly than others or move in and out of why they are sad or angry. Right now, I am strongly in the "my body is useless and broken" place.

ANGER, SADNESS, DESPERATION, WORTHLESSNESS, FEAR, HOPE, DASHED HOPE, DETERMINATION. You go back and forth through all of these feelings over and over. As each piece of bad news is delivered by a doctor that, like the rest of the world, doesn't get the depth of your pain, you are pushed down further and are forced to fight harder, despite your fear and loss of hope, and dwindling options. Fighting when you want to crawl in a hole and die is the hardest thing, but is necessary if you want to make your dream come true.

Instead of making love on a beach and conceiving a child, we are forced to conceive (or TRY!!!) on a hard table in a cold room while a doctor does painful and humiliating things to us. And when you go through all the tests and procedures and STILL get that call that it didn't work, you worry. Will you ever be a mother? Is your body so messed up that you'll never carry a baby? Did you do something wrong in your past that you are being punished for? Why do other women, including teen girls, drug addicts, and abusers, get pregnant at the drop of the hat while you have to fight so hard? Did your embryos hate being in you so much that they would rather die than grow inside you? Does God hate you? WHY? WHY? WHY?

And then, with more hope stripped away, you have to try again. And again. Until it works or until all the life and hope are sucked out of you, leaving a hollow shell of a person with empty eyes and internal rage aimed at pregnant women, God, and of course, yourself, for being such a loser that you can't even get pregnant - one of the basics of being a woman.

And hopefully, one day, there is a light on the horizon in the form of two little pink lines. Dare we hope? Dare we dream that this can happen? For some of us, it does. For some, it ends in another heartache of the worst kind... having something promised then taken away.

And for those of us who achieve the impossible: we NEVER take our gift for granted. We hold our child or children close and revel in being called Mommy. But we never forget. Birth does not cure infertility. We are ever cautious about our interactions around other women, in case they are experiencing the pain we know so well. We remember the pain we went through to get to this place and wear it like both an ugly scar and a badge of honor. We are all too aware that our child came into the world IN SPITE OF the failings of our bodies. And that God's plan is determined and that our babies came to us exactly when and how they were supposed to.

For in the end, infertility is a story of HOPE and TRIUMPH against all odds. And for it to end successfully, it takes strength when you are weakest, and it takes determination when you feel hopeless. And it takes faith that no matter what happens and no matter what you have to go through, you will be a mother, dammit. Nothing will stop me. Nothing will stop me.

Crystal

Conversation with a sleepy almost-2 year old

Wyatt is lying on my arm drifting off to sleep. Suddenly he says:

"Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww!"
Me: "What's ew?"
Wyatt: "Bahf" (barf)
Me: "Yep, you're right. Barf is ew."
Wyatt: (nods)
A moment goes by...
Wyatt: "Poop"
Me: "Yep, poop is ew too."
Wyatt: "Yeah."

A few more moments go by...

Wyatt: "Eh-bow"
Me: "Elbow???"
Wyatt: (nods)
Me: "You're silly"
Wyatt: (nods)
Wyatt: (giggles)

LOL. I just love that he is getting more communicative and also getting his own sense of humor and expressing his thought processes.

He's also learned to open our doors in the last couple of days (they are the oval shaped ones and are hard to open) and has pretty much replaced his head nodding with "Yeah" which he says constantly.

Crystal

Element

This song made me cry today... reminds me of my little hummingbird. Video link below if you want to hear it.
--------------

I've been waiting
Wish I was watching you
In the daylight
A perfect view
This is always a favorite of mine.
I was hoping
That I'd find you
At the right place, at the right time
and you, you were waiting.
Your hopeful eyes

Said I don't want to go
Cause it means I'd have to throw
This element of mine aside
I'm afraid, confused
And I don't have a clue
As to what to fear in you.

So What if I don't want to be the lonely one?
Well the truth of course is this
I don't want to miss you more
Than I already do

I've been screaming
My lungs out
'Cause I'm wishing
You were here with me now
I'm impatient, I apologize.
But I'm human,
And I'm selfish.
Got the feeling
I should deal with this.
But I'm hiding
Where no one knows.
They don't.

Said I don't want to go, cause it means
I'd have to throw
this element of mine aside.
I'm afraid, confused
And I don't have a clue,
as to what to fear in you.

So what if I don't want to be the lonely one?
Well the truth of course is this
I don't want to miss you more.
What if I don't want to be the lonely one?
Well the truth of course is this
I don't want to miss you more
than I already do.
Than I already do.

The video is just a static image, but you can hear the song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vIZZgpb2sDI

In a funk

I am not sure why.

Part of it, I'm sure, is due to trying to get back to life as usual after thinking I was pregnant then having that taken away. Today, back at work, I had to sit on the same toilet where I steadied myself only a few weeks ago as I read a digital HPT that said "YES". Today, I just sat there feeling empty.

I love Wyatt, of course. He is a light in my life and brings me so much joy and happiness. But I still can't shake the feeling of the loss, even if it was the loss of something I was never promised and never really had. An ectopic is NOT the same as being pregnant and losing it, right? It could have never became anything anyway.

Yet I still keep seeing hummingbirds everywhere I go. Perhaps because somewhere in my mind I am looking for them, looking for the hope to still be there. I don't want to say goodbye to my little hummingbird even though she is already gone.

I need to scream, though there is no place to do that. I need to cry, although I am told over and over that "everything is ok". Maybe it is. But that pain is still there, tainting everything I do.

When I bathe Wyatt, I think of how sweet it would be to have two in the bath, playing with each other.

When Wyatt was at the splash pad this weekend, I thought how he needs to learn how to play and wonder if he would already know if he had a brother or sister to learn with.

This ache in my heart, this feeling of someone missing, is just so strong. And to have my dream held out to me on a white stick covered in pee then yanked away with yet another scar across my belly... it's just so unfair. I can't quit asking WHY. Why did it even have to happen? I didn't need that. There was no purpose to it.

Luckily, my life doesn't leave me much time for wallowing. There is much to do, don't you know. I have a boy to care for, a job to do, a house to clean, and a husband. I can't just sit around crying, and I suppose that's a good thing.

For now, I will try to heal. Inside and outside. And keep trying to find a way to bring my hummingbird to me when my body has the energy to move again.

Crystal

Rocks

He was wearing khaki shorts and kept putting his hand in his right pocket. I said "Look!" and showed him how to put a rock in there. So he spent the next 10 minutes or so collecting rocks and putting them in his pocket. When it was full, I said "You know you have another one on the other side." and opened it up to show him. So he was spinning in circles trying to get a rock in that side too. It was super cute.

He is saying new words constantly now. Some new ones:

- squish
- black
- "burpa" (purple)
- burp
- push (he said it before but he says it perfectly now)
- snap
- clip
- tick tock, dong (when he hears the clock making noises)

He is so cute and funny and just makes my heart almost burst with joy.

Crystal

A lady in the elevator...

...had her reel of ultrasound pics and a big smile on her face. "Did you find out what you are having?", I asked. "A girl!", she answered.

I said congrats but inside it was like a knife twisting in my belly. Minutes earlier in the doctor's office, I stopped to say hi to an adorable 6 week old boy being held by his cigarette-smelling grandfather.

This sucks. I am supposed to be smiling and pregnant and happy. Not hurting and barely able to walk for NO REASON WHATSOEVER. Why did this even happen? I don't get it. Just so I can be reminded again that I can't have more kids? Thanks... just what I needed.

Crystal

Oh my love, my darling...

I posted these in the funny kid story thread and want to remember them...

=========================

Ok, so Wyatt doesn't really make any funny comments yet, but here's a couple funny things.

He likes to walk up behind me when I'm bending down cleaning, poke me right in the middle of my butt, and say "Butt-butt!" I don't know WHERE he got that!!!!

Another one... we were lying down. I asked him if he wanted me to sing to him. He nodded yes. So I started singing one of my usual songs, and he shook his head no. So I tried another one. He shook his head no. We tried about 5-6 songs and finally I didn't know what else to sing, so I started "Unchained Melody". He must have liked that one because he laid his head back down on my arm to listen. I got all the way through the song, up to that really high note... I sang "I NEEEEEEEED your love", trying to hit that high note, and he jerked his head up, looked me square in the eye, and shook his head no. LOL. I almost died I was laughing so hard.

Crystal

Still here but doing ok

I am going to be in the hospital through tomorrow. The dr couldn't do a laparoscopic surgery so I've been sliced open. Ugh.

He said the tube had already ruptured and I've been bleeding internally for a week. He was able to stitch the tube but has no hope of my being able to get pg on my own.

I just knew that something more was wrong and that this wasn't just a m/c. I was having waaayyy too many weird pains that had nothing to do with cramping.

I have a roommate here and she is pretty nice. We have a lot of the same issues and she has never been able to have children. She had to have a full hysterectomy due to PID.

I am glad this ordeal has an ending even though it is not the best kind.

In hospital

I went to ob AND they saw fluid in my rt tube, so i had surgery.


DH taking over... too hard for her to type with all the equipment hooked up to her, and this baby notebook is too much weight for her belly.

Crystal had a ruptured ectopic pregnancy in her rt tube. It appears that what they thought was a small cyst, was really blood collecting inside her. The ultrasound today showed a huge collection of fluid. The doctor immediately scheduled surgery -- walked right out of his office and into hospital admitting.

She's a real trooper and she's doing well. Already trying to get me to sneak some food in for her, since she hasn't eaten in quite some time.

I assume they'll let her out of here by tomorrow, and she'll be blogging from home.

Off to bed

Been cleaning all day. Busy, busy, busy. It's hard to think when you are busy.

And very hard to feel when you are busy.

But alone in a bed with thoughts and feelings. That's scary.

I don't want to let go. I don't want to cry. I don't want to admit it is over.

Crystal

Not really hitting me yet

I cried for a little bit in the shower today, but have pretty much refocused my energy into the house. I bought some new blinds online today and have been cleaning as much as I can. I took an oxycodone so I am not in pain right now (although I did sleep much of the afternoon away - how anyone gets addicted to this stuff is beyond me).

I know once I start bleeding, it is going to hit me that this much-wanted baby is gone. For now though, I am in complete denial.

What sucks is I keep feeling little flutters that feel like the beginning movements of a baby (although yes, I know it is WAY too early for that to be real anyway) and it makes me sad.

I don't know what will come of this... will this make DH want to get back on the TTC wagon? Do I have a chance of becoming naturally pg again, or is the pain I've been in the last couple days due to a ruptured tube? I don't know. For now, I just wait for it to be over.

This sucks. I so wanted this baby.

Crystal

Wyatt words

Just for my own logging purposes.

Mama (now an official word, not just a string of mamamamamma, and he says it SOOOOO cute! )
Daisy (our dog)
Diamond (our cat)
Da-da
Mamm-mamm (Grammy)
Mick (his cousin)
Ewwwwwww (so cute!)
Pee-eew (complete with waving arm stinky face)
Off
Up (off and up still two of the favorite words)
Nononono
Push (wants to be pushed on the swing)
Down (finally says it right but still doesn't really get the concept - says "Up" to get down)
More (Mah)
This
That
Eeee--ooowwwwwww (said whenever one of the cats meow)
Woof woof
Quack (cak)
Ummmmm...
Tickle tickle (doesn't say it often, but when he does, it's cute!)
Clip clip clip (because that's what I sing when I clip his nails)
Stir Stir Stir (tur tur tur)
Ball (ba)
Ow
Ouch (complete with rapid breathing sound you'd make when you are hurt)
Boob ( )
Pa-pa (not sure what it means, perhaps Grandpa??? He says it a lot but can't figure what it is related to)
"Ohhmm" (eating sound, complete with hand to mouth like fake-eating)
"nana" (banana - said today, although he doesn't usually like them)
Cook (ck! without vowels)
Yuck

That's all I can think of although I am sure there are more. He is getting to where he copies all kind of noises - trucks, planes, sprinklers, tearing paper, telephones, wind noise, ringtones and beeps, car honks (that's another word - HONK!)

He is soo sweet and makes me so happy. No matter what else comes, I am so lucky to be his Mama.

Crystal

OB beta still not good - definitely over

I just got yesterday's beta back from the OB. It was 1492. So it is definitely going down and I am losing the pg. I was hoping for a lab error, or at least a bigger lab error.

I am still having pain so I am closely monitoring myself.

Still no bleeding or cramping.

Crystal

Back from OB

Just got back from the OB. He couldn't see anything in the uterus. He sees no sign of an ectopic. They took blood again and I'll have results tomorrow.

His excellent U/S tech wasn't there today, so he did the U/S himself, which was disappointing.

Still no bleeding or cramping, although the abdominal pain is still very strong.

Crystal

Now the bad news

So I started having some really bad abdominal pain yesterday. It felt (sorry if TMI) like I needed to toot really bad. It got worse as the day went on and finally, I had DH take me to the ER at 1AM.

They did an U/S and the tech couldn't find a sac. I wasn't too worried though, because it took forever for the tech to find it yesterday and she was very experienced, whereas the girl last night was not.

But then my blood work came back and they said my HcG is 1010.

So, I am miscarrying.

I don't know how the numbers dropped so fast.

I go to my OB in an hour to confirm.

I am having no uterine cramping or bleeding at all (even the spotting stopped), but I still feel bloated and gassy and it hurts so bad around my belly button.

Sigh.

Crystal

HcG back from yesterday

It was 3254!

So we have:

4/10: 82
4/12: 172
4/16: 600
4/18: 1700
4/20: 3254

Progesterone was 13.

Crystal

Update - better news than expected

So the u/s tech looked around forever in there. She was unable to find anything in the tubes. She saw what she described as a small irregular sac in the top of my left "horn" (I have a bicornuate uterus). It looks quite a bit smaller than expected, measuring 4w4d. It should be 6w1d according to my last period.

The options are that this is a blighted ovum or that I ovulated about 11 days later than expected.

I am happy with what they found because even if this ends up in m/c, I know I can get pg naturally now! So perhaps we can go back to Clomid or something?

But anyway, I am very happy it doesn't look like an ectopic. The tech said she'd guess it is about a 1:5000 chance it is ectopic.

So that's it. I go back next Monday for another U/S and I'll have the results of today's HcG test tomorrow afternoon or Wednesday!!!

Keep those prayers coming! It looks like this may not be over.

And I asked about the spotting, and the doctor said "Most of my patients spot. Not worried about that at all."

I'm typing in the car so I apologize if some of this makes no sense. LOL.

Thanks everyone.

Crystal

Beta results

Ok, so I went in this morning and had another U/S. RE is still unable to see anything.

Then I got the call with my beta and it is 1700!

So, betas are:

4/10: 82
4/12: 172
4/16: 600
4/18: 1700

The nurse that called me said with a number that high, they should be able to see SOMETHING in the uterus, but they don't.

They are leaning toward ectopic. Yet, my understanding of ectopics are that the numbers don't usually double, and they don't get real high. So if you had an ectopic, can you please share your beta numbers with me? Did you have any symptoms?

I am continuing to have brown spotting, and I had one episode of red blood (and a lot of it) last night, but it went right back to brown spotting.

I have a very dull ache in my lower abdomen that has been there since I found out I was pg. It hasn't gotten sharper, and there's no cramping.

Any words of wisdom, stories, and of course, continued prayers and positive energy are all much appreciated.

This has been one crazy roller coaster. I just hope it doesn't end by flying off the track.

Crystal

Another U/S and waiting for beta call

RE did another U/S and still saw nothing in the uterus. I am waiting for them to call with the beta number, which should be in the next 2 hours.

RE said that if this number comes back doubling, I should see my regular OB/GYN Monday, have one more U/S, and have a methoxotrate (sp?) shot.

I still have a feeling it is ok. But I don't know how much of that is denial.

Crystal

Now back to spotting

One weird fluke gush of red blood, now back to spotting.

I am going to sleep now. I will report in tomorrow when they call with my beta number. Unless the bleeding comes back. But I'm trying not to think of that possibility.

It's the weirdest thing. I am so scared, but I do feel this calm underneath it all knowing I have no control over what happens. I feel this is a girl baby, and I feel she wants to be here with me. I hope everything is ok. I am scared.

Crystal

Hummingbird

I walked out the door
Was greeted by the whir of a hummingbird's wings
Touched my belly and knew it was you
little hummingbird

Don't go, don't go
Don't fly away
Stay and I will be your flower
Stay and I will be your shelter
Stay and I will love you forever

little hummingbird
Stay with me

Bright red bleeding

Not a good sign.

I so want to have faith. I so want this to be real. But I am being tested all along the way.

No cramping. Just bleeding. Not as heavy as a period, but more than spotting.



Crystal