The trend right now seems to be angry parenting blogs. Articles where moms or dads call their children "little a$$holes" and lament over how ridiculous their lives are as parents.
Such as the popular book "Go the F*ck to Sleep" in which a parent cusses like a sailor while being irritated that their child won't sleep.
Or this
lovely chestnut:
Just seems to be a trend. And it is inevitable that a host of parents comment, laughing. Yep, this is their life! Hahahah! Our kids are all little shitheads! Hahahaha!
But this isn't MY life.
And I always have to be the arrogant ass who speaks up and says so too. But certainly I can't be the only one. I can't be the ONLY PARENT who has a child who listens and wants to do good and laughs more than they whine. I can't be the ONLY PARENT who not only accepts the crankiness and quirkiness of children, but who expects it.
So here's MY list. I won't be calling my child names, because... that ain't how I roll. I waited many many years and fought hard and almost even lost my life to have him, and I am gonna treat him with respect and love. I am NOT putting down the parents who feel differently, because we are all different, and hey... whatever helps you deal, as long as you don't call them little shitheads to their faces. But that's not for me....
CRYSTAL'S PARENTING ADVICE: (Some of this you've heard before, but it bears repeating.)
1. Expect ridiculousness. Children, especially young children, lack common sense. Or rather, what is logical to them isn't what is logical in the real world of adults. I remember my nephew Michael took off his clothes and covered himself in peanut butter. While you and I may think that is crazy; hey - he just wanted to know what it felt like to be covered in peanut butter! Completely logical to him. So you have to expect this stuff, and set your world up to best deal with it. This means you keep the peanut butter on the top shelf. It means you put drawer locks where you keep medicine, makeup, flour, or anything else kids can make a mess with. It means you "kid proof" your house - NOT for just SAFETY - but for ridiculousness! You can't protect against ALL ridiculousness... so you have to expect it. And remember as you clean your ENTIRE JAR OF EXPENSIVE FACE CREAM out of his hair that someday you'll be telling this story with a smile on your face .
2. Give choices. "Do you want to pee, brush your teeth, or blow your nose first?" This is the question I ask Wyatt every morning, and every evening. And sometimes the answer is different, and when it is, he does things in the order he wants. Not only does this give him some control in the situation, but it lets him know exactly what to expect. He KNOWS he is gonna pee, brush his teeth, and blow his nose. So when it happens, he is much less likely to resist or whine about it. You have opportunities to give choices ALL the time. "What color cup do you want?" "What shirt do you want to wear today?" "What animal do you want to snuggle tonight?" "We have time to do one more fun thing before bed. What do you want to do?" Knowing what is coming and having a say in what is happening are both important.
3. If you gotta do it, you may as well make it fun. Brushing teeth is boring. Making up a crazy song about teeth while you do it is fun! Getting dressed is boring. Seeing how FAST you can get dressed is fun. Driving is boring. Counting trucks or reading what all the signs say is fun. Waiting is boring. Pretending to be PENGUINS while you are waiting is fun.
4. Whenever possible, always build in extra time for chasing. Another parenting article says to never chase. I disagree! Chasing is FUN. And chasing is exercise (for both of you). Don't just say "Come on, let's go to bed." Say "YOU BETTER RUN, CAUSE I'M COMING FOR YOU!" and listen to their squeals of joy as they run. (This is especially fun and funny after a bath, when you are chasing a naked child around with a towel.)
5. Take every opportunity to cuddle. Look, whether you are a strict "you-sleep-in-your-bed-and-don't-get-out" or a "we-co-sleep every night" family, at some point, likely between... say 7 and 12, your child is NOT going to want anything to do with sleeping next to you or snuggling you. So, for gosh sakes, take every moment you can feeling their warm body against you and talking, or watching them drift off to sleep in your arms. Lie with them at night. If they get up in the night, let them in your bed. This is good for YOU, and it is good for THEM, because I believe that the safer, more secure, and more loved a child feels, the happier the child is. The laundry can wait, seriously. Enjoy the moment! I get some kids are fidgety and kicky and not fun to sleep with... so find other ways and other times to enjoy the cuddling.
6. Don't get riled up. Every child has moments. Tantrums. Whines. Crying. Defiance. That sort of thing. Remember rule 1 - expect ridiculousness. Sometimes, it IS ridiculous, such as when Wyatt cried because I wouldn't let him win a video game. But you gotta understand that TO THEM, it's not ridiculous. And invalidating their feelings by TELLING them it is ridiculous accomplishes nothing. Your job in these moments is to help him/her learn to communicate their feelings. "I understand that you are sad that you lost. Sometimes you win, and sometimes you lose, and if you want people to enjoy playing with you, try to be happy for them when they win." That sort of typical parental wisdom. Then show them, by being excited when THEY win, and point it out. "See how happy I am for you? Doesn't that feel good?" Then NEXT time (or maybe the next time or next time, because this stuff requires repetition) they'll get it, and they'll learn how to tell you how they feel WITHOUT whining or crying. But for young kids, whining and crying is all they know. I promise they aren't doing it to manipulate you or to piss you off. They just have to learn the words to express what they are feeling. And for this - they count on YOU. Not just as a teacher, but as a ROLE MODEL. Because if you yell and scream and call them names or start crying and whining yourself... well... you just taught them how an adult deals with hard emotions or situations. It is important that you show them that you HAVE emotions, but equally important that you teach them how to deal with them constructively. Yelling just escalates the stress level and takes things up a notch, when what you really want to accomplish is to diffuse the situation.
7. Live in the moment. In
this recent article, a mom talks about how irritated she is when people tell her to enjoy every moment because it goes by so fast. Then says:
At that particular moment, Amma had arranged one of the new bras I was buying on top of her sweater and was sucking a lollipop that she must have found on the ground. She also had three shop-lifted clip-on neon feathers stuck in her hair. She looked exactly like a contestant from Toddlers and Tiaras. I couldn't find Chase anywhere, and Tish was grabbing the pen on the credit card swiper thing WHILE the woman in front of me was trying to use it.
And goes on to talk about how hard everything is. Well - let's look at this situation. A child with a bra on and feathers in her hair is pretty darn funny. That's when you pull out your phone and upload a photo to Facebook! Having a child missing is... well... not good, but usually solvable. And having a child close enough to the pen the other woman was using is dangerous! See rule 1. You gotta expect ridiculousness! Even a lollipop off the ground - I mean, who cares. It's not gonna kill her. Say "EWWWWWW, we don't eat things off the ground.", throw it away, and move on to the next thing.
Everything she described, IN MY OPINION, was an opportunity for laughter and joy. Well, except the missing child, but those things happen, and you deal with them.
Dr. Phil always says "Your perception is your reality." And maybe I am unique in my ability to find humor and joy in almost any situation. Even when Wyatt is cranky and whiny, I say "Come here, cranky pants" and hug him. And if he resists and yells "NOOO!!!!!!" or even "I HATE YOU!!!" and I have to take him up to his room, I do so with love and a smile, because I know everyone gets cranky. And I know it's temporary. And I want to be calm and loving. And well... because a cranky four year old kicking his legs and whining while I carry him upstairs on my shoulder is pretty funny!
8. Mean what you say. If you say "STOP THAT, or we aren't going on vacation!", you know when you are saying it that you are going on vacation no matter what the kid does! You've taken the time off work, the plane tickets are in your purse, and you're going. So why threaten it? Pick a consequence that you can actually apply, and if they don't STOP THAT, apply it. Every time. EVERY. TIME. This is something you simply cannot be lazy about. Because if you say "STOP THAT or I'm taking your Legos away" and then you don't take the Legos away, next time you say "STOP THAT or I'm taking your Legos away", the kid is gonna think "Yeh, right. Sometimes she does and sometimes she doesn't, so it is worth the risk to keep having this fun!" But if you say "STOP THAT, or I'm taking the Legos away" and they don't STOP THAT, and you immediately walk over and take the Legos and put them on top of the fridge and then calmly go back to what you were doing, despite their cries of horror, next time, they will KNOW that you mean it. And it really only takes a few times of following through, with an occasional reminder, for them to understand that you mean what you say. And for goodness sake, make sure you talk to them after the crying is over about what was wrong with what they were doing and why you had to take the Legos away. Remember that you are teaching them how to express and process emotion - and showing them that they are loved.
9. Routine is your best friend. Do the SAME EXACT THINGS every morning. Do the SAME EXACT THINGS every night. When something is happening that is out-of-the-ordinary, talk about it and prepare your child. When you are playing, make it habit to clean up before moving to the next thing. When you are cooking, enlist their help and clean up while you go. When you are going about your daily routine, talk about it. Talk about why you do each thing, and what it does for you. And when you do your night-time routine, make sure it ends with your child in your arms as you sing a soft lullaby. These are the moments that you waited for, so don't miss out on them. Here's the thing about routine: when the child knows the same things happen every day and they are just part of his/her day, he/she is much less likely to resist or argue. These things are just part of life, like breathing. There's nothing here to argue.
Hey, I know every family is different. Some families deal with unique issues like autism or ADHD. Some moms had three kids before they even found out who they are as women and they are doing the best they can. Some children are especially defiant and moody. Some families deal with extra stressors such as financial issues, divorce, death, family issues... There are times when you are gonna get frustrated. And sometimes, just due to the time of the month, when you may feel irrationally moody yourself. Nobody is perfect.
But I just don't get the whole angry parenting trend. That is NOT my reality. And there have to be others who are with me. There just have to be.... I can't be the only one.
