Conversation with a sleepy almost-2 year old

Wyatt is lying on my arm drifting off to sleep. Suddenly he says:

"Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww!"
Me: "What's ew?"
Wyatt: "Bahf" (barf)
Me: "Yep, you're right. Barf is ew."
Wyatt: (nods)
A moment goes by...
Wyatt: "Poop"
Me: "Yep, poop is ew too."
Wyatt: "Yeah."

A few more moments go by...

Wyatt: "Eh-bow"
Me: "Elbow???"
Wyatt: (nods)
Me: "You're silly"
Wyatt: (nods)
Wyatt: (giggles)

LOL. I just love that he is getting more communicative and also getting his own sense of humor and expressing his thought processes.

He's also learned to open our doors in the last couple of days (they are the oval shaped ones and are hard to open) and has pretty much replaced his head nodding with "Yeah" which he says constantly.

Crystal

Element

This song made me cry today... reminds me of my little hummingbird. Video link below if you want to hear it.
--------------

I've been waiting
Wish I was watching you
In the daylight
A perfect view
This is always a favorite of mine.
I was hoping
That I'd find you
At the right place, at the right time
and you, you were waiting.
Your hopeful eyes

Said I don't want to go
Cause it means I'd have to throw
This element of mine aside
I'm afraid, confused
And I don't have a clue
As to what to fear in you.

So What if I don't want to be the lonely one?
Well the truth of course is this
I don't want to miss you more
Than I already do

I've been screaming
My lungs out
'Cause I'm wishing
You were here with me now
I'm impatient, I apologize.
But I'm human,
And I'm selfish.
Got the feeling
I should deal with this.
But I'm hiding
Where no one knows.
They don't.

Said I don't want to go, cause it means
I'd have to throw
this element of mine aside.
I'm afraid, confused
And I don't have a clue,
as to what to fear in you.

So what if I don't want to be the lonely one?
Well the truth of course is this
I don't want to miss you more.
What if I don't want to be the lonely one?
Well the truth of course is this
I don't want to miss you more
than I already do.
Than I already do.

The video is just a static image, but you can hear the song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vIZZgpb2sDI

In a funk

I am not sure why.

Part of it, I'm sure, is due to trying to get back to life as usual after thinking I was pregnant then having that taken away. Today, back at work, I had to sit on the same toilet where I steadied myself only a few weeks ago as I read a digital HPT that said "YES". Today, I just sat there feeling empty.

I love Wyatt, of course. He is a light in my life and brings me so much joy and happiness. But I still can't shake the feeling of the loss, even if it was the loss of something I was never promised and never really had. An ectopic is NOT the same as being pregnant and losing it, right? It could have never became anything anyway.

Yet I still keep seeing hummingbirds everywhere I go. Perhaps because somewhere in my mind I am looking for them, looking for the hope to still be there. I don't want to say goodbye to my little hummingbird even though she is already gone.

I need to scream, though there is no place to do that. I need to cry, although I am told over and over that "everything is ok". Maybe it is. But that pain is still there, tainting everything I do.

When I bathe Wyatt, I think of how sweet it would be to have two in the bath, playing with each other.

When Wyatt was at the splash pad this weekend, I thought how he needs to learn how to play and wonder if he would already know if he had a brother or sister to learn with.

This ache in my heart, this feeling of someone missing, is just so strong. And to have my dream held out to me on a white stick covered in pee then yanked away with yet another scar across my belly... it's just so unfair. I can't quit asking WHY. Why did it even have to happen? I didn't need that. There was no purpose to it.

Luckily, my life doesn't leave me much time for wallowing. There is much to do, don't you know. I have a boy to care for, a job to do, a house to clean, and a husband. I can't just sit around crying, and I suppose that's a good thing.

For now, I will try to heal. Inside and outside. And keep trying to find a way to bring my hummingbird to me when my body has the energy to move again.

Crystal

Rocks

He was wearing khaki shorts and kept putting his hand in his right pocket. I said "Look!" and showed him how to put a rock in there. So he spent the next 10 minutes or so collecting rocks and putting them in his pocket. When it was full, I said "You know you have another one on the other side." and opened it up to show him. So he was spinning in circles trying to get a rock in that side too. It was super cute.

He is saying new words constantly now. Some new ones:

- squish
- black
- "burpa" (purple)
- burp
- push (he said it before but he says it perfectly now)
- snap
- clip
- tick tock, dong (when he hears the clock making noises)

He is so cute and funny and just makes my heart almost burst with joy.

Crystal

A lady in the elevator...

...had her reel of ultrasound pics and a big smile on her face. "Did you find out what you are having?", I asked. "A girl!", she answered.

I said congrats but inside it was like a knife twisting in my belly. Minutes earlier in the doctor's office, I stopped to say hi to an adorable 6 week old boy being held by his cigarette-smelling grandfather.

This sucks. I am supposed to be smiling and pregnant and happy. Not hurting and barely able to walk for NO REASON WHATSOEVER. Why did this even happen? I don't get it. Just so I can be reminded again that I can't have more kids? Thanks... just what I needed.

Crystal

Oh my love, my darling...

I posted these in the funny kid story thread and want to remember them...

=========================

Ok, so Wyatt doesn't really make any funny comments yet, but here's a couple funny things.

He likes to walk up behind me when I'm bending down cleaning, poke me right in the middle of my butt, and say "Butt-butt!" I don't know WHERE he got that!!!!

Another one... we were lying down. I asked him if he wanted me to sing to him. He nodded yes. So I started singing one of my usual songs, and he shook his head no. So I tried another one. He shook his head no. We tried about 5-6 songs and finally I didn't know what else to sing, so I started "Unchained Melody". He must have liked that one because he laid his head back down on my arm to listen. I got all the way through the song, up to that really high note... I sang "I NEEEEEEEED your love", trying to hit that high note, and he jerked his head up, looked me square in the eye, and shook his head no. LOL. I almost died I was laughing so hard.

Crystal