Official notice!
Wyatt Douglas was born on Saturday, June 9 at 10:03 PM.
He was 3 pounds 2 ounces and was 16 3/4" long.
This has been a real roller coaster ride. In some ways, I have to laugh, because I think of all the "planning" we did to move, to give birth, and NONE of it went as expected.
Just as with all the IF stuff, my body has failed me AGAIN and has gotten sick to where I had to expel my sweet boy before he was ready. At the same time, he is healthy and strong, and for that I am so grateful.
The gamut of emotions I am experiencing is overwhelming. I am sad that I didn't get to experience a labor and childbirth that was more normal. I am sad for Wyatt that he had to come so soon. I am sad that I am no longer pregnant and that there is no little guy in there kicking me and rolling around. I am so sad that he is not home with me.
Yet all this sadness is rolled up in the main happiness and elation that Wyatt is here. He is SO beautiful and I tear up just thinking about his little face. I love him more than I can imagine loving anything or anyone - just overwhelming love. I want nothing for him but happiness and love.
So in the end, years of IF, deciding to use donor eggs, going through FET, going through the ups and downs of pregnancy and especially the downs of the last few weeks of my pregnancy... it was all worth it. Because now I can hold the baby we created and I can show him all the joys of life. I hope I do it well.
He is already so sweet - his little chipmunk cry and my favorite face of his: he purses his lips into an "o" and raises his eyebrows, sometimes opening his eyes in the process and sometimes not. Holding him just melts me.
Thank you to everyone who has been a part of my IF and PG journey. Now I start a new one as a MOMMY (wow) and I'll need you more than ever. :)
Crystal
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Saturday, June 9, 2007
Wyatt has arrived!
Last night, they started me on Cervidol (sp?) and Wyatt didn't like contractions at all. His heart rate was unstable. So this morning they came in and gave me a c-section.
I STILL haven't seen him. They whisked him away to the NICU and I have to wait until the epidural wears off and my bp stabilizes before I can go to see him.
But he is doing great! He is able to breathe on his own, is healthy and pink, and has no problems at all.
I am so happy and excited!
Crystal
---------------------
Edited 8/17/07 to add the entire story!
DH and I started ttc in January 2003. We tried for about 6 months before we talked to my OB. My periods were very irregular, so he put me on Clomid and I responded very well to it, ovulating regularly for the first time ever. But no pg. I tested every month for 8 months before we went back.
The OB suggested an HSG to check whether my tubes were open. I had it (ouch!!) and found out that my tubes were indeed closed. So the OB referred us to an RE down the street.
The RE said that IVF was our only option, so he tested my FSH (3.2) and DH's sperm (slightly low motility but definitely good enough) and we went forward.
After starting stims, we went in to check the follies. No matter how hard the RE looked, he couldn't find my ovaries. Finally, he found them - way up by my belly button! There were 22 follies, but unfortunately he had to cancel my cycle since there was no way to retrieve them. :( I was heartbroken. He told me that it may be possible to do a laparoscopic retrieval but that he didn't have the equipment to do it.
He did say that he could do a diagnostic lap to find out what was going on in there. We found that due to a surgery I had in 1993 to remove a large ovarian cyst, that my ovaries were pulled up and encased in intestines with scar tissue. He wasn't able to free them or to unblock my tubes.
So I went online and found an RE who said he could do a laparoscopic retrieval. We drove to Vegas to consult with him and when we got there, he hemmed and hawed and said "Welllll... *I* know how to do laparoscopic retrievals, but I don't have the equipment and my staff has never done one." So we had hit a roadblock again.
During a routine OB visit, my OB told me that a colleague of his just opened a clinic and that I should go talk to him. He told us that he could do another diagnostic surgery (open) and try to free the ovaries and move them down, OR we could go with donor eggs.
DH and I discussed it and since the surgery would possibly entail bowel reconstruction, we felt it was too dangerous to attempt. So after much heartache and grieving, I agreed to donor eggs. I was really sad at first, but then realized that this was a way to get to my goal of being a mother, and I would still be able to experience pregnancy and childbirth.
We used a donor agency recommended by the RE office and found a donor who looked somewhat like me, was smart, and most importantly to me, was doing it for more than the money.
The RE gave us an 80% chance of success, so we went forward happily anticipating a pregnancy. Then I was devastated when my beta came back "less than one".
We had 9 embies left, so we decided to do an FET. I was not as optimistic this time. We implanted 3 embies - 2 good ones and one that would have been discarded if we didn't implant it. I was shocked when my beta came back at 363! An ultrasound a couple weeks later confirmed that it was twins!
We were THRILLED! Then we went back for a third u/s after hearing the heart beats twice and found that one of the twins vanished. I was heartbroken AGAIN... yet still happy that the remaining twin was doing well.
The next few months were uneventful as I got sick, got sore boobs, and watched my tummy grow.
Then around 28 weeks, I started getting high blood pressure. It got worse and I was put on bed rest. Then it got WORSE and I stumbled into the hospital one night at 2AM with a blood pressure of 208/118.
After being air evaced to a better hospital, the high blood pressure turned into preeclampsia. I was told that it was a waiting game to see how far we could go before delivering. The baby was doing fine - it was all me.
Then on June 8, they gave me Cervidol to start softening my cervix. The baby didn't like that at all and his heart rate started decelerating every time I had a tiny contraction. They took the Cervidol back out and continued monitoring the baby.
At about 8AM on June 9, the doctor on call came in and strongly recommended a c-section since the baby's heart rate was still unstable. After a short discussion, DH and I agreed.
I was attacked by about 10 nurses and doctors, undressing me, dressing me, giving me shots, asking me questions... it was chaos! Then at 10:03 AM, my son Wyatt Douglas was born at 3 lbs 2 oz at 31 weeks 4 days. I was very groggy from meds but sighed with relief when I heard his cry.
I got to see him later that day and fell in love. He stayed in the NICU until July 6 - that was SO difficult.
Now, I am finally a mother. Nothing went the way I would have planned. Not my conception, not my eggs, not my pregnancy, and not the birth. But you know what? NONE of that matters. Not one bit. Because in the end, my dream came true. And when your dream comes true, the path you took to arrive there suddenly becomes SO unimportant.
My son is 100% mine. I never think about the donor (although I am eternally grateful for her contribution to us). He is mine. And I love him more than anything in the world.
See pics at Wyatt's page (http://www.xtalworld.com/wyatt)
Crystal
I STILL haven't seen him. They whisked him away to the NICU and I have to wait until the epidural wears off and my bp stabilizes before I can go to see him.
But he is doing great! He is able to breathe on his own, is healthy and pink, and has no problems at all.
I am so happy and excited!
Crystal
---------------------
Edited 8/17/07 to add the entire story!
DH and I started ttc in January 2003. We tried for about 6 months before we talked to my OB. My periods were very irregular, so he put me on Clomid and I responded very well to it, ovulating regularly for the first time ever. But no pg. I tested every month for 8 months before we went back.
The OB suggested an HSG to check whether my tubes were open. I had it (ouch!!) and found out that my tubes were indeed closed. So the OB referred us to an RE down the street.
The RE said that IVF was our only option, so he tested my FSH (3.2) and DH's sperm (slightly low motility but definitely good enough) and we went forward.
After starting stims, we went in to check the follies. No matter how hard the RE looked, he couldn't find my ovaries. Finally, he found them - way up by my belly button! There were 22 follies, but unfortunately he had to cancel my cycle since there was no way to retrieve them. :( I was heartbroken. He told me that it may be possible to do a laparoscopic retrieval but that he didn't have the equipment to do it.
He did say that he could do a diagnostic lap to find out what was going on in there. We found that due to a surgery I had in 1993 to remove a large ovarian cyst, that my ovaries were pulled up and encased in intestines with scar tissue. He wasn't able to free them or to unblock my tubes.
So I went online and found an RE who said he could do a laparoscopic retrieval. We drove to Vegas to consult with him and when we got there, he hemmed and hawed and said "Welllll... *I* know how to do laparoscopic retrievals, but I don't have the equipment and my staff has never done one." So we had hit a roadblock again.
During a routine OB visit, my OB told me that a colleague of his just opened a clinic and that I should go talk to him. He told us that he could do another diagnostic surgery (open) and try to free the ovaries and move them down, OR we could go with donor eggs.
DH and I discussed it and since the surgery would possibly entail bowel reconstruction, we felt it was too dangerous to attempt. So after much heartache and grieving, I agreed to donor eggs. I was really sad at first, but then realized that this was a way to get to my goal of being a mother, and I would still be able to experience pregnancy and childbirth.
We used a donor agency recommended by the RE office and found a donor who looked somewhat like me, was smart, and most importantly to me, was doing it for more than the money.
The RE gave us an 80% chance of success, so we went forward happily anticipating a pregnancy. Then I was devastated when my beta came back "less than one".
We had 9 embies left, so we decided to do an FET. I was not as optimistic this time. We implanted 3 embies - 2 good ones and one that would have been discarded if we didn't implant it. I was shocked when my beta came back at 363! An ultrasound a couple weeks later confirmed that it was twins!
We were THRILLED! Then we went back for a third u/s after hearing the heart beats twice and found that one of the twins vanished. I was heartbroken AGAIN... yet still happy that the remaining twin was doing well.
The next few months were uneventful as I got sick, got sore boobs, and watched my tummy grow.
Then around 28 weeks, I started getting high blood pressure. It got worse and I was put on bed rest. Then it got WORSE and I stumbled into the hospital one night at 2AM with a blood pressure of 208/118.
After being air evaced to a better hospital, the high blood pressure turned into preeclampsia. I was told that it was a waiting game to see how far we could go before delivering. The baby was doing fine - it was all me.
Then on June 8, they gave me Cervidol to start softening my cervix. The baby didn't like that at all and his heart rate started decelerating every time I had a tiny contraction. They took the Cervidol back out and continued monitoring the baby.
At about 8AM on June 9, the doctor on call came in and strongly recommended a c-section since the baby's heart rate was still unstable. After a short discussion, DH and I agreed.
I was attacked by about 10 nurses and doctors, undressing me, dressing me, giving me shots, asking me questions... it was chaos! Then at 10:03 AM, my son Wyatt Douglas was born at 3 lbs 2 oz at 31 weeks 4 days. I was very groggy from meds but sighed with relief when I heard his cry.
I got to see him later that day and fell in love. He stayed in the NICU until July 6 - that was SO difficult.
Now, I am finally a mother. Nothing went the way I would have planned. Not my conception, not my eggs, not my pregnancy, and not the birth. But you know what? NONE of that matters. Not one bit. Because in the end, my dream came true. And when your dream comes true, the path you took to arrive there suddenly becomes SO unimportant.
My son is 100% mine. I never think about the donor (although I am eternally grateful for her contribution to us). He is mine. And I love him more than anything in the world.
See pics at Wyatt's page (http://www.xtalworld.com/wyatt)
Crystal
Thursday, June 7, 2007
Sitting upright
I am at the little meal table at DH's laptop. He has brought my little work hard drive for me and everything else I have asked for. I feel better every time he walks in the room and wish he could be with me 24 hours a day. So weird from ME - who is usually so independent. Suddenly I feel needy and vulnerable and I just want him to hold me and not let go.
I hate being here... and it feels better knowing that so many other ladies here have been at this same place and came out ok on the other side.
I knew about pre-eclampsia and about the risk of being on hospital bed rest, but NOBODY warned me about magnesium sulfate. I had no idea I could ever feel that psychotic, out of control, weak, and weepy. I think I finally understand how people with mental disorders feel - you KNOW logically that you aren't making sense yet can't control anything you feel or think. Man, that is horrible and I don't wish it on ANYONE.
At this point, it is just a waiting game. I am 31w2d (Thursday). Wyatt has had his steroid shots and is hopefully growing big and strong in there. My bp is still high, around 160/100 when I am lying down. They upped my meds hoping to keep it lower. My labs are still ok (haven't gotten any actual numbers but they say that kidney and liver are better today than yesterday).
My MIL just sent out my shower invites a couple days before I was admitted, and now wants to know what I want to do about it. Heck I don't know. They can have it without me, or I may even have a baby by then and the baby will come to the shower!
She also forgot to include the registry info in the invites. Not that I care that much about the STUFF, but since I am in here until Wyatt is born, I won't be able to go shopping for him. We got a carseat and a few outfits and that is it! I guess he'll be sleeping in the sock drawer the first few nights. Hahah.
I am hanging in there. One day at a time. Heck, one moment at a time. Have I mentioned this isn't what my pregnancy was supposed to be like?
Thanks for all the prayers and thoughts - it means more than ANYTHING.
Crystal
I hate being here... and it feels better knowing that so many other ladies here have been at this same place and came out ok on the other side.
I knew about pre-eclampsia and about the risk of being on hospital bed rest, but NOBODY warned me about magnesium sulfate. I had no idea I could ever feel that psychotic, out of control, weak, and weepy. I think I finally understand how people with mental disorders feel - you KNOW logically that you aren't making sense yet can't control anything you feel or think. Man, that is horrible and I don't wish it on ANYONE.
At this point, it is just a waiting game. I am 31w2d (Thursday). Wyatt has had his steroid shots and is hopefully growing big and strong in there. My bp is still high, around 160/100 when I am lying down. They upped my meds hoping to keep it lower. My labs are still ok (haven't gotten any actual numbers but they say that kidney and liver are better today than yesterday).
My MIL just sent out my shower invites a couple days before I was admitted, and now wants to know what I want to do about it. Heck I don't know. They can have it without me, or I may even have a baby by then and the baby will come to the shower!
She also forgot to include the registry info in the invites. Not that I care that much about the STUFF, but since I am in here until Wyatt is born, I won't be able to go shopping for him. We got a carseat and a few outfits and that is it! I guess he'll be sleeping in the sock drawer the first few nights. Hahah.
I am hanging in there. One day at a time. Heck, one moment at a time. Have I mentioned this isn't what my pregnancy was supposed to be like?
Thanks for all the prayers and thoughts - it means more than ANYTHING.
Crystal
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
In the hospital
It has been an interesting few days here to say the least.
Friday night/Saturday morning around 2AM, my blood pressure went up to 208/118. Doug was in Flagstaff getting ready for the appraisal. I tried lying down to rest and was having chest pains plus my bp didn't go down like it usually does when I lie down.
So I called Doug and told him I was going to the hospital. He stayed on the phone with me while I drove over there.
At the hospital, I started feeling stupid and was wondering what I was doing there. One of the nurses found my chart from my previous visit and basically shook her head and said my bp was fine last time I was there.
But the labs came back showing that my liver enzymes were high and that I was getting preeclampsia.
So they did a lot of heart/lung tests to rule out any cardiac problems since I was having chest pains. Those all came back ok.
The next step was getting to a better hospital. They loaded me up on the helicopter and flew me to one of the downtown hospitals that has a good high-risk center and NICU.
More tests, more tests, and more tests, they then confirm that my 24-hour urine is really high and I am preeclamptic. At this point they told me that I will be in the hospital until I deliver, which they are trying to hold off as long as my tests come back acceptable.
Saturday was ok, but on Sunday I started having really bad reactions to the magnesium sulfate they put me on to prevent seizures. I got all weepy and weird and lethargic and didn't feel like myself. Doug had to go back to Flagstaff to pick up his dad who he had left there to get some work done while he came back to be with me.
Then Monday night was the worst. Doug had to go to Flagstaff because the appraiser would be there Tuesday morning, and the hospital moved me to a new room. I started having a full-out-panic-anxiety attack. I still don't know if it was from the magnesium sulfate or from sleep deprivation or what, but I was hallucinating and freaking out. Even worse, being alone, I had nobody to tell the new nurses that NO I am not normally like that. I couldn't breathe, couldn't sleep, and it was horrible. The doctor confirmed that I had some crackling in my lungs and gave me some meds, then the nurse gave me some finnegran(sp???) which would also help me sleep. That was weird - I went from panic to falling asleep - I literally felt like I was put under anesthesia and fell asleep.
I slept all day today, and only now do I SORTA feel like myself again. I am still out of it and sleepy but at least I feel in control of my emotions. Doug is here with me now which makes things so much easier. So now we just wait and see how long I can go before I deliver.
I hope this entry even makes SENSE. I am so not me.
Crystal
Friday night/Saturday morning around 2AM, my blood pressure went up to 208/118. Doug was in Flagstaff getting ready for the appraisal. I tried lying down to rest and was having chest pains plus my bp didn't go down like it usually does when I lie down.
So I called Doug and told him I was going to the hospital. He stayed on the phone with me while I drove over there.
At the hospital, I started feeling stupid and was wondering what I was doing there. One of the nurses found my chart from my previous visit and basically shook her head and said my bp was fine last time I was there.
But the labs came back showing that my liver enzymes were high and that I was getting preeclampsia.
So they did a lot of heart/lung tests to rule out any cardiac problems since I was having chest pains. Those all came back ok.
The next step was getting to a better hospital. They loaded me up on the helicopter and flew me to one of the downtown hospitals that has a good high-risk center and NICU.
More tests, more tests, and more tests, they then confirm that my 24-hour urine is really high and I am preeclamptic. At this point they told me that I will be in the hospital until I deliver, which they are trying to hold off as long as my tests come back acceptable.
Saturday was ok, but on Sunday I started having really bad reactions to the magnesium sulfate they put me on to prevent seizures. I got all weepy and weird and lethargic and didn't feel like myself. Doug had to go back to Flagstaff to pick up his dad who he had left there to get some work done while he came back to be with me.
Then Monday night was the worst. Doug had to go to Flagstaff because the appraiser would be there Tuesday morning, and the hospital moved me to a new room. I started having a full-out-panic-anxiety attack. I still don't know if it was from the magnesium sulfate or from sleep deprivation or what, but I was hallucinating and freaking out. Even worse, being alone, I had nobody to tell the new nurses that NO I am not normally like that. I couldn't breathe, couldn't sleep, and it was horrible. The doctor confirmed that I had some crackling in my lungs and gave me some meds, then the nurse gave me some finnegran(sp???) which would also help me sleep. That was weird - I went from panic to falling asleep - I literally felt like I was put under anesthesia and fell asleep.
I slept all day today, and only now do I SORTA feel like myself again. I am still out of it and sleepy but at least I feel in control of my emotions. Doug is here with me now which makes things so much easier. So now we just wait and see how long I can go before I deliver.
I hope this entry even makes SENSE. I am so not me.
Crystal
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