A note to a woman who has just been told she should consider donor eggs...

This was a response to a post on a message board from a woman who was devastated about not having the option of a biological child...

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I can only speak for myself, but I certainly can't imagine loving ANY child more than I do my son.

I remember having all the same feelings you are currently having. Fear of the unknown. Uncertainty about the whole process. Frustration at the LACK OF CONTROL!!!! Anger at my stupid body. Anger at my life leading to being so old when I finally tried to have a baby. Anger at doctors for not figuring it out earlier. Mad that I would never have a baby with my family's chin and my inherited intelligence and artistic abilities.

I went forward with DE because it was my only choice, if I wanted to experience pregnancy and birth.

But I wasn't excited about it.

I was scared. And mad. And deflated.

We chose a donor. At the time, it was a daunting decision. I tried to choose someone similar enough to me that she could have been in my family. I tried to choose someone who was smart and witty and a good person. We finally chose her, and I felt good about it, but still nervous and not fully invested.

We went to the RE's office for DH to do his part. I brought a card and small gift for the donor, feeling that it was inadequate, but necessary. The note I wrote made DH cry.

Instead of having egg retrieval, I was in the room with DH "helping" him while the egg donor was in the retrieval room. We think we saw the person who brought the donor to the clinic sitting in the waiting room. I wonder if he knew who we were. If he judged us. If he was concerned that his friend/girlfriend/sister/whoever's egg was going to a fat old couple.

Then we went home. We waited. We got news that 22 eggs were retrieved, and 15 were fertilized and growing.

I went in for transfer, and it was different now. The embryos were no longer "hers". They were MINE. I felt it. I was excited again.

I bonded with the embryos immediately, and sang to them and begged and willed them to stick.

I got a BFN.

:(

I was devastated. Why didn't those embies feel I would be a good enough mommy? Why was I not deserving of a child?

Fast forward 2 months. FET 1. I was hopeful but not as excited. If a fresh cycle didn't work, how would an FET work?

I got a BFP.

I was over the moon. 2 heartbeats. Tiny flickers on the screen as Dh and I watched with tears. Twins. Then we lost one.

20 week ultrasound. Strong heartbeat. Tiny legs kicking the wand away. Thumb sucking. A penis!

I felt the baby, first as a flutter, then as a strange rolling sensation, as if a bowling ball was turning inside me. He reacted to my singing. He reacted to Dr. Pepper. I put my hand on my tummy and was full of awe and joy and fear... but not one thought of feeling disconnected from this life growing inside me. I had never felt so connected to anyone or anything in my life.

A scary birth, followed by a wheelchair visit to the NICU. I touched his face. I held his tiny, tiny foot. I was in love.

4 weeks of visiting him, fighting to be the one to make decisions, holding his foot through a hole in a plastic box while a blue light shined on his tiny naked body.

Then he was home. Sleeping on my chest. Sleeping on the couch next to me. Then smiling! Then laughing! Then saying "Ma-ma." Then saying "yuv you." Then saying "Sweet dreams, Mommy. I yuv you too, Mommy."

Nope. Not one second of regret. Not one second of feeling that he isn't "mine". Not one second of feeling as if I adopted someone else's child. He has taken on my sense of humor to the point where DH rolls his eyes at both of us, and Wyatt and I look at each other and giggle. We are a secret club, my son and I.

As far as having my intelligence, my artistic abilities, my chin? Well, there's no guarantee of any of that stuff anyway. My sister's bio son is a science geek who couldn't be more different than my artsy sister. And he looks NOTHING like her.

Wyatt is who he is. And he's MINE. My son. Nobody else's. Well... ok, he's DH's. But their relationship is different than ours. Me and Wyatt... well, we are a special twosome, going through adventures and "vestigations" together, and sharing hugs, kisses, and just hilarious conversations.

You are at the scary part. All the uncertainty and fear and anger and grief. I remember well. But you have nothing to fear. You'll feel your baby grow inside you. You'll feel love you've never felt before. You will soon know what it is like to know you'd die for someone else, and would walk through fire to protect them.

I won't say it isn't like adoption, because I think that is selling adoption short. I am not an adoptive mom, but I imagine adoptive moms share stories similar to mine, in loving their children. The difference is that Wyatt has been with me since he was 6 cells, and I bonded with him long before he was born.

What is it that they say? Feel the fear and do it anyway. That is the advice I am giving you. Yes, it is going to be WEIRD for the next bit. Choosing a donor and going through the RE visits up to retrieval will be scary and odd and awkward and will leave you feeling like you don't control anything in this whole process. But I PROMISE you that will change. Once the donor is out of the process and you see that heartbeat on the screen, it is like in a movie where there is a sudden epiphany and the world zooms around you... suddenly that LIFE is real, and is yours, and it will remain so.

I am no Pollyanna. I know that Wyatt and I will have some conversations that may be hard due to the circumstances of his conception. But I will deal with those when it is time. I will make sure our foundation is so strong that no matter what, my love will never be in question.

If you end up trying another IVF cycle, fine. If it has a chance of working, there's no reason not to try. But know that if you DO move forward with DE, that it will be ok. You'll still have the baby you are meant to have, and your life will be so much richer because of it.

Crystal

Letting go of hope

How do you do it? Let go of hope, that is?

AF started last night. She was 2 days late. I know that I can't get pregnant. Yet I still had that holding-my-breath feeling. I still planned on stopping by Dollar Tree today to pick up a few HPTs. (Oh how I love peeing on sticks!!!)

And so today, I feel slightly deflated.

I don't get it. How can I let logic win and just let the hope fly away?

I do believe that God is sovereign. He can do anything. Unblocking a tube is nothing to Him. It's so simple. But why would He? What makes me so worthy of another child? Not that I feel UNworthy, mind you, but what makes my miracle more critical to see to than my sister's friend who is dying of cancer, or a billion other hardships and desperate situations? Heck, my situation doesn't even qualify as desperate... it's just a quiet hope. A silent and constant prayer.

I am supposed to have surgery in August to remove adhesions. I am putting it off for now, but one of the questions the doctor asked is if I wanted a hysterectomy at the same time? My insides are REALLY messed up see, and the fewer surgeries I can subject myself to, the better... so better to get it all over with at once.

But I said no.

Not just no, but "NO!!!!" with a shocked look on my face and my arms around my abdomen.

Why?

What will I gain keeping my uterus? I doubt it will be used again. As a matter of fact, I kinda want it NOT to be used again... it is so dangerous for me to be pg in the first place.

And I am really happy with what I have. I love my son more than anything, and he is more than I ever could have wished for...

So why is it so hard to let go of that hope? And should I be praying for THAT (the ability to let go) instead of the constant prayer of "If it is Your will, God, please bring another baby to me." ??

Crystal

The way its meant to be isn't always the way you wanted it to be

To my infertile friends.

I want to let you know I know exactly how you feel. It sucks when your body doesn't do what it was designed to do, and you just feel like a failure and wonder why everything has to be so hard for you when it comes to others so easily.

You are scared it will work and you are scared it won't work. You are scared it will work and you'll lose the pg. You are scared of multis. You are scared you'll go through all the shots and pain and still have nothing to show.

I started on clomid after trying for about a year. Then found I had blocked tubes. Then when we tried IVF, found that my ovaries are so high, they had to cancel the cycle because they couldn't get to the eggs. I had a diagnostic lap, and I had so much scar tissue that they couldn't move the ovaries back down or unblock my tubes (I hear Toni Braxton in my head... "Unblock my tuuuuubes, say you'll love me agaaaaain"). So after visiting several REs to see if anyone could do a laparoscopic retrieval on me (they can't!) I was forced to go with donor eggs.

I ended up getting pg in late 2006 with twins, then lost one in early 2007. After dreaming of a natural vaginal birth, I ended up with severe pre-eclampsia, a c-section, and a 31 week preemie. After dreaming of breast feeding, I ended up with a baby who absolutely refused and I had to pump for 6 months.

So nothing worked out like it was supposed to, and yet everything worked out like it was supposed to. I have my son, who is perfect and meant for me. He is the baby I was supposed to have and he got to me the way he was supposed to get to me. NOTHING happened the way I dreamed, but looking back I know it all happened exactly how it was supposed to.

Since then, I found myself miraculously naturally pg just to discover it was ectopic, which ruptured, which resulted in another full surgery to repair. It never ends! And the pain and longing for the 2nd child, while not the same as before the 1st, is just as real and horrible.

So you have to let it go. You have to take it one day at a time and one step at a time. You can't let the "what if"s rule your mind. You can't worry about things that are out of your control.

And there are some things you have to accept. Other people WILL be pg, and you WILL be angry and hurt by it. That's ok.

You may have to go further down the path to your child than you thought you might have to go, and the path may be dark and scary and overgrown and you may be walking it all alone while the rest of the world is a mile back enjoying a picnic at the lake with their stupid laughing happy children, but you have to remember that your child is at the end of that path and keep walking forward. One step at a time. One breath at a time. One shot at a time. Just keep going forward.

Hugs to you. I hope you find support, and most of all, I hope this cycle is it for you and you get to go back to the picnic with your child, who will be cuter than all those other brats.

The pain of infertility

Trying to explain the pain of infertility to someone who has kids requires more than just saying "imagine your life without your kids". Others in your life probably didn't have to fight for their kids, so they were just another thing that happened in their lives, like getting a career, getting married, etc. Not that they don't love them, but the kids were a given. Of course they would have kids. Why wouldn't they?

The pain of infertility is more than just wanting children. It includes:

- The fear that you'll never be a Mommy.
- The anger that you can't have what comes so easily to others.
- The constant reminder of what you lack. Babies and pg women are EVERYWHERE.
- The anger that your body is useless and broken.
- The fear that you'll never be able to continue your family line.
- Constant news from the media that there are people out there who don't give a rip about their kids and even HURT them intentionally!!!
- Anger at God (or fate or nature) for putting you through this with lots of "WHY??????" questions.
- The sadness that you are letting your partner down or they got a "bum deal" getting an infertile partner.
- Fear of judgment from the world for considering different options
- The ache for a baby. I think this is what the general population thinks is the only pain associated with IF, but even then, they don't GET how strong this ache is, and how desperate. You don't know and can't know unless you experience it.

Each person can feel some of these more strongly than others or move in and out of why they are sad or angry. Right now, I am strongly in the "my body is useless and broken" place.

ANGER, SADNESS, DESPERATION, WORTHLESSNESS, FEAR, HOPE, DASHED HOPE, DETERMINATION. You go back and forth through all of these feelings over and over. As each piece of bad news is delivered by a doctor that, like the rest of the world, doesn't get the depth of your pain, you are pushed down further and are forced to fight harder, despite your fear and loss of hope, and dwindling options. Fighting when you want to crawl in a hole and die is the hardest thing, but is necessary if you want to make your dream come true.

Instead of making love on a beach and conceiving a child, we are forced to conceive (or TRY!!!) on a hard table in a cold room while a doctor does painful and humiliating things to us. And when you go through all the tests and procedures and STILL get that call that it didn't work, you worry. Will you ever be a mother? Is your body so messed up that you'll never carry a baby? Did you do something wrong in your past that you are being punished for? Why do other women, including teen girls, drug addicts, and abusers, get pregnant at the drop of the hat while you have to fight so hard? Did your embryos hate being in you so much that they would rather die than grow inside you? Does God hate you? WHY? WHY? WHY?

And then, with more hope stripped away, you have to try again. And again. Until it works or until all the life and hope are sucked out of you, leaving a hollow shell of a person with empty eyes and internal rage aimed at pregnant women, God, and of course, yourself, for being such a loser that you can't even get pregnant - one of the basics of being a woman.

And hopefully, one day, there is a light on the horizon in the form of two little pink lines. Dare we hope? Dare we dream that this can happen? For some of us, it does. For some, it ends in another heartache of the worst kind... having something promised then taken away.

And for those of us who achieve the impossible: we NEVER take our gift for granted. We hold our child or children close and revel in being called Mommy. But we never forget. Birth does not cure infertility. We are ever cautious about our interactions around other women, in case they are experiencing the pain we know so well. We remember the pain we went through to get to this place and wear it like both an ugly scar and a badge of honor. We are all too aware that our child came into the world IN SPITE OF the failings of our bodies. And that God's plan is determined and that our babies came to us exactly when and how they were supposed to.

For in the end, infertility is a story of HOPE and TRIUMPH against all odds. And for it to end successfully, it takes strength when you are weakest, and it takes determination when you feel hopeless. And it takes faith that no matter what happens and no matter what you have to go through, you will be a mother, dammit. Nothing will stop me. Nothing will stop me.

Crystal

Element

This song made me cry today... reminds me of my little hummingbird. Video link below if you want to hear it.
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I've been waiting
Wish I was watching you
In the daylight
A perfect view
This is always a favorite of mine.
I was hoping
That I'd find you
At the right place, at the right time
and you, you were waiting.
Your hopeful eyes

Said I don't want to go
Cause it means I'd have to throw
This element of mine aside
I'm afraid, confused
And I don't have a clue
As to what to fear in you.

So What if I don't want to be the lonely one?
Well the truth of course is this
I don't want to miss you more
Than I already do

I've been screaming
My lungs out
'Cause I'm wishing
You were here with me now
I'm impatient, I apologize.
But I'm human,
And I'm selfish.
Got the feeling
I should deal with this.
But I'm hiding
Where no one knows.
They don't.

Said I don't want to go, cause it means
I'd have to throw
this element of mine aside.
I'm afraid, confused
And I don't have a clue,
as to what to fear in you.

So what if I don't want to be the lonely one?
Well the truth of course is this
I don't want to miss you more.
What if I don't want to be the lonely one?
Well the truth of course is this
I don't want to miss you more
than I already do.
Than I already do.

The video is just a static image, but you can hear the song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vIZZgpb2sDI

In a funk

I am not sure why.

Part of it, I'm sure, is due to trying to get back to life as usual after thinking I was pregnant then having that taken away. Today, back at work, I had to sit on the same toilet where I steadied myself only a few weeks ago as I read a digital HPT that said "YES". Today, I just sat there feeling empty.

I love Wyatt, of course. He is a light in my life and brings me so much joy and happiness. But I still can't shake the feeling of the loss, even if it was the loss of something I was never promised and never really had. An ectopic is NOT the same as being pregnant and losing it, right? It could have never became anything anyway.

Yet I still keep seeing hummingbirds everywhere I go. Perhaps because somewhere in my mind I am looking for them, looking for the hope to still be there. I don't want to say goodbye to my little hummingbird even though she is already gone.

I need to scream, though there is no place to do that. I need to cry, although I am told over and over that "everything is ok". Maybe it is. But that pain is still there, tainting everything I do.

When I bathe Wyatt, I think of how sweet it would be to have two in the bath, playing with each other.

When Wyatt was at the splash pad this weekend, I thought how he needs to learn how to play and wonder if he would already know if he had a brother or sister to learn with.

This ache in my heart, this feeling of someone missing, is just so strong. And to have my dream held out to me on a white stick covered in pee then yanked away with yet another scar across my belly... it's just so unfair. I can't quit asking WHY. Why did it even have to happen? I didn't need that. There was no purpose to it.

Luckily, my life doesn't leave me much time for wallowing. There is much to do, don't you know. I have a boy to care for, a job to do, a house to clean, and a husband. I can't just sit around crying, and I suppose that's a good thing.

For now, I will try to heal. Inside and outside. And keep trying to find a way to bring my hummingbird to me when my body has the energy to move again.

Crystal

A lady in the elevator...

...had her reel of ultrasound pics and a big smile on her face. "Did you find out what you are having?", I asked. "A girl!", she answered.

I said congrats but inside it was like a knife twisting in my belly. Minutes earlier in the doctor's office, I stopped to say hi to an adorable 6 week old boy being held by his cigarette-smelling grandfather.

This sucks. I am supposed to be smiling and pregnant and happy. Not hurting and barely able to walk for NO REASON WHATSOEVER. Why did this even happen? I don't get it. Just so I can be reminded again that I can't have more kids? Thanks... just what I needed.

Crystal

Still here but doing ok

I am going to be in the hospital through tomorrow. The dr couldn't do a laparoscopic surgery so I've been sliced open. Ugh.

He said the tube had already ruptured and I've been bleeding internally for a week. He was able to stitch the tube but has no hope of my being able to get pg on my own.

I just knew that something more was wrong and that this wasn't just a m/c. I was having waaayyy too many weird pains that had nothing to do with cramping.

I have a roommate here and she is pretty nice. We have a lot of the same issues and she has never been able to have children. She had to have a full hysterectomy due to PID.

I am glad this ordeal has an ending even though it is not the best kind.

In hospital

I went to ob AND they saw fluid in my rt tube, so i had surgery.


DH taking over... too hard for her to type with all the equipment hooked up to her, and this baby notebook is too much weight for her belly.

Crystal had a ruptured ectopic pregnancy in her rt tube. It appears that what they thought was a small cyst, was really blood collecting inside her. The ultrasound today showed a huge collection of fluid. The doctor immediately scheduled surgery -- walked right out of his office and into hospital admitting.

She's a real trooper and she's doing well. Already trying to get me to sneak some food in for her, since she hasn't eaten in quite some time.

I assume they'll let her out of here by tomorrow, and she'll be blogging from home.

Off to bed

Been cleaning all day. Busy, busy, busy. It's hard to think when you are busy.

And very hard to feel when you are busy.

But alone in a bed with thoughts and feelings. That's scary.

I don't want to let go. I don't want to cry. I don't want to admit it is over.

Crystal

Not really hitting me yet

I cried for a little bit in the shower today, but have pretty much refocused my energy into the house. I bought some new blinds online today and have been cleaning as much as I can. I took an oxycodone so I am not in pain right now (although I did sleep much of the afternoon away - how anyone gets addicted to this stuff is beyond me).

I know once I start bleeding, it is going to hit me that this much-wanted baby is gone. For now though, I am in complete denial.

What sucks is I keep feeling little flutters that feel like the beginning movements of a baby (although yes, I know it is WAY too early for that to be real anyway) and it makes me sad.

I don't know what will come of this... will this make DH want to get back on the TTC wagon? Do I have a chance of becoming naturally pg again, or is the pain I've been in the last couple days due to a ruptured tube? I don't know. For now, I just wait for it to be over.

This sucks. I so wanted this baby.

Crystal

OB beta still not good - definitely over

I just got yesterday's beta back from the OB. It was 1492. So it is definitely going down and I am losing the pg. I was hoping for a lab error, or at least a bigger lab error.

I am still having pain so I am closely monitoring myself.

Still no bleeding or cramping.

Crystal

Back from OB

Just got back from the OB. He couldn't see anything in the uterus. He sees no sign of an ectopic. They took blood again and I'll have results tomorrow.

His excellent U/S tech wasn't there today, so he did the U/S himself, which was disappointing.

Still no bleeding or cramping, although the abdominal pain is still very strong.

Crystal

Now the bad news

So I started having some really bad abdominal pain yesterday. It felt (sorry if TMI) like I needed to toot really bad. It got worse as the day went on and finally, I had DH take me to the ER at 1AM.

They did an U/S and the tech couldn't find a sac. I wasn't too worried though, because it took forever for the tech to find it yesterday and she was very experienced, whereas the girl last night was not.

But then my blood work came back and they said my HcG is 1010.

So, I am miscarrying.

I don't know how the numbers dropped so fast.

I go to my OB in an hour to confirm.

I am having no uterine cramping or bleeding at all (even the spotting stopped), but I still feel bloated and gassy and it hurts so bad around my belly button.

Sigh.

Crystal

HcG back from yesterday

It was 3254!

So we have:

4/10: 82
4/12: 172
4/16: 600
4/18: 1700
4/20: 3254

Progesterone was 13.

Crystal

Update - better news than expected

So the u/s tech looked around forever in there. She was unable to find anything in the tubes. She saw what she described as a small irregular sac in the top of my left "horn" (I have a bicornuate uterus). It looks quite a bit smaller than expected, measuring 4w4d. It should be 6w1d according to my last period.

The options are that this is a blighted ovum or that I ovulated about 11 days later than expected.

I am happy with what they found because even if this ends up in m/c, I know I can get pg naturally now! So perhaps we can go back to Clomid or something?

But anyway, I am very happy it doesn't look like an ectopic. The tech said she'd guess it is about a 1:5000 chance it is ectopic.

So that's it. I go back next Monday for another U/S and I'll have the results of today's HcG test tomorrow afternoon or Wednesday!!!

Keep those prayers coming! It looks like this may not be over.

And I asked about the spotting, and the doctor said "Most of my patients spot. Not worried about that at all."

I'm typing in the car so I apologize if some of this makes no sense. LOL.

Thanks everyone.

Crystal

Beta results

Ok, so I went in this morning and had another U/S. RE is still unable to see anything.

Then I got the call with my beta and it is 1700!

So, betas are:

4/10: 82
4/12: 172
4/16: 600
4/18: 1700

The nurse that called me said with a number that high, they should be able to see SOMETHING in the uterus, but they don't.

They are leaning toward ectopic. Yet, my understanding of ectopics are that the numbers don't usually double, and they don't get real high. So if you had an ectopic, can you please share your beta numbers with me? Did you have any symptoms?

I am continuing to have brown spotting, and I had one episode of red blood (and a lot of it) last night, but it went right back to brown spotting.

I have a very dull ache in my lower abdomen that has been there since I found out I was pg. It hasn't gotten sharper, and there's no cramping.

Any words of wisdom, stories, and of course, continued prayers and positive energy are all much appreciated.

This has been one crazy roller coaster. I just hope it doesn't end by flying off the track.

Crystal

Another U/S and waiting for beta call

RE did another U/S and still saw nothing in the uterus. I am waiting for them to call with the beta number, which should be in the next 2 hours.

RE said that if this number comes back doubling, I should see my regular OB/GYN Monday, have one more U/S, and have a methoxotrate (sp?) shot.

I still have a feeling it is ok. But I don't know how much of that is denial.

Crystal

Now back to spotting

One weird fluke gush of red blood, now back to spotting.

I am going to sleep now. I will report in tomorrow when they call with my beta number. Unless the bleeding comes back. But I'm trying not to think of that possibility.

It's the weirdest thing. I am so scared, but I do feel this calm underneath it all knowing I have no control over what happens. I feel this is a girl baby, and I feel she wants to be here with me. I hope everything is ok. I am scared.

Crystal

Hummingbird

I walked out the door
Was greeted by the whir of a hummingbird's wings
Touched my belly and knew it was you
little hummingbird

Don't go, don't go
Don't fly away
Stay and I will be your flower
Stay and I will be your shelter
Stay and I will love you forever

little hummingbird
Stay with me