The way its meant to be isn't always the way you wanted it to be

To my infertile friends.

I want to let you know I know exactly how you feel. It sucks when your body doesn't do what it was designed to do, and you just feel like a failure and wonder why everything has to be so hard for you when it comes to others so easily.

You are scared it will work and you are scared it won't work. You are scared it will work and you'll lose the pg. You are scared of multis. You are scared you'll go through all the shots and pain and still have nothing to show.

I started on clomid after trying for about a year. Then found I had blocked tubes. Then when we tried IVF, found that my ovaries are so high, they had to cancel the cycle because they couldn't get to the eggs. I had a diagnostic lap, and I had so much scar tissue that they couldn't move the ovaries back down or unblock my tubes (I hear Toni Braxton in my head... "Unblock my tuuuuubes, say you'll love me agaaaaain"). So after visiting several REs to see if anyone could do a laparoscopic retrieval on me (they can't!) I was forced to go with donor eggs.

I ended up getting pg in late 2006 with twins, then lost one in early 2007. After dreaming of a natural vaginal birth, I ended up with severe pre-eclampsia, a c-section, and a 31 week preemie. After dreaming of breast feeding, I ended up with a baby who absolutely refused and I had to pump for 6 months.

So nothing worked out like it was supposed to, and yet everything worked out like it was supposed to. I have my son, who is perfect and meant for me. He is the baby I was supposed to have and he got to me the way he was supposed to get to me. NOTHING happened the way I dreamed, but looking back I know it all happened exactly how it was supposed to.

Since then, I found myself miraculously naturally pg just to discover it was ectopic, which ruptured, which resulted in another full surgery to repair. It never ends! And the pain and longing for the 2nd child, while not the same as before the 1st, is just as real and horrible.

So you have to let it go. You have to take it one day at a time and one step at a time. You can't let the "what if"s rule your mind. You can't worry about things that are out of your control.

And there are some things you have to accept. Other people WILL be pg, and you WILL be angry and hurt by it. That's ok.

You may have to go further down the path to your child than you thought you might have to go, and the path may be dark and scary and overgrown and you may be walking it all alone while the rest of the world is a mile back enjoying a picnic at the lake with their stupid laughing happy children, but you have to remember that your child is at the end of that path and keep walking forward. One step at a time. One breath at a time. One shot at a time. Just keep going forward.

Hugs to you. I hope you find support, and most of all, I hope this cycle is it for you and you get to go back to the picnic with your child, who will be cuter than all those other brats.