This was a response to a post on a message board from a woman who was devastated about not having the option of a biological child...
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I can only speak for myself, but I certainly can't imagine loving ANY child more than I do my son.
I remember having all the same feelings you are currently having. Fear of the unknown. Uncertainty about the whole process. Frustration at the LACK OF CONTROL!!!! Anger at my stupid body. Anger at my life leading to being so old when I finally tried to have a baby. Anger at doctors for not figuring it out earlier. Mad that I would never have a baby with my family's chin and my inherited intelligence and artistic abilities.
I went forward with DE because it was my only choice, if I wanted to experience pregnancy and birth.
But I wasn't excited about it.
I was scared. And mad. And deflated.
We chose a donor. At the time, it was a daunting decision. I tried to choose someone similar enough to me that she could have been in my family. I tried to choose someone who was smart and witty and a good person. We finally chose her, and I felt good about it, but still nervous and not fully invested.
We went to the RE's office for DH to do his part. I brought a card and small gift for the donor, feeling that it was inadequate, but necessary. The note I wrote made DH cry.
Instead of having egg retrieval, I was in the room with DH "helping" him while the egg donor was in the retrieval room. We think we saw the person who brought the donor to the clinic sitting in the waiting room. I wonder if he knew who we were. If he judged us. If he was concerned that his friend/girlfriend/sister/whoever's egg was going to a fat old couple.
Then we went home. We waited. We got news that 22 eggs were retrieved, and 15 were fertilized and growing.
I went in for transfer, and it was different now. The embryos were no longer "hers". They were MINE. I felt it. I was excited again.
I bonded with the embryos immediately, and sang to them and begged and willed them to stick.
I got a BFN.
:(
I was devastated. Why didn't those embies feel I would be a good enough mommy? Why was I not deserving of a child?
Fast forward 2 months. FET 1. I was hopeful but not as excited. If a fresh cycle didn't work, how would an FET work?
I got a BFP.
I was over the moon. 2 heartbeats. Tiny flickers on the screen as Dh and I watched with tears. Twins. Then we lost one.
20 week ultrasound. Strong heartbeat. Tiny legs kicking the wand away. Thumb sucking. A penis!
I felt the baby, first as a flutter, then as a strange rolling sensation, as if a bowling ball was turning inside me. He reacted to my singing. He reacted to Dr. Pepper. I put my hand on my tummy and was full of awe and joy and fear... but not one thought of feeling disconnected from this life growing inside me. I had never felt so connected to anyone or anything in my life.
A scary birth, followed by a wheelchair visit to the NICU. I touched his face. I held his tiny, tiny foot. I was in love.
4 weeks of visiting him, fighting to be the one to make decisions, holding his foot through a hole in a plastic box while a blue light shined on his tiny naked body.
Then he was home. Sleeping on my chest. Sleeping on the couch next to me. Then smiling! Then laughing! Then saying "Ma-ma." Then saying "yuv you." Then saying "Sweet dreams, Mommy. I yuv you too, Mommy."
Nope. Not one second of regret. Not one second of feeling that he isn't "mine". Not one second of feeling as if I adopted someone else's child. He has taken on my sense of humor to the point where DH rolls his eyes at both of us, and Wyatt and I look at each other and giggle. We are a secret club, my son and I.
As far as having my intelligence, my artistic abilities, my chin? Well, there's no guarantee of any of that stuff anyway. My sister's bio son is a science geek who couldn't be more different than my artsy sister. And he looks NOTHING like her.
Wyatt is who he is. And he's MINE. My son. Nobody else's. Well... ok, he's DH's. But their relationship is different than ours. Me and Wyatt... well, we are a special twosome, going through adventures and "vestigations" together, and sharing hugs, kisses, and just hilarious conversations.
You are at the scary part. All the uncertainty and fear and anger and grief. I remember well. But you have nothing to fear. You'll feel your baby grow inside you. You'll feel love you've never felt before. You will soon know what it is like to know you'd die for someone else, and would walk through fire to protect them.
I won't say it isn't like adoption, because I think that is selling adoption short. I am not an adoptive mom, but I imagine adoptive moms share stories similar to mine, in loving their children. The difference is that Wyatt has been with me since he was 6 cells, and I bonded with him long before he was born.
What is it that they say? Feel the fear and do it anyway. That is the advice I am giving you. Yes, it is going to be WEIRD for the next bit. Choosing a donor and going through the RE visits up to retrieval will be scary and odd and awkward and will leave you feeling like you don't control anything in this whole process. But I PROMISE you that will change. Once the donor is out of the process and you see that heartbeat on the screen, it is like in a movie where there is a sudden epiphany and the world zooms around you... suddenly that LIFE is real, and is yours, and it will remain so.
I am no Pollyanna. I know that Wyatt and I will have some conversations that may be hard due to the circumstances of his conception. But I will deal with those when it is time. I will make sure our foundation is so strong that no matter what, my love will never be in question.
If you end up trying another IVF cycle, fine. If it has a chance of working, there's no reason not to try. But know that if you DO move forward with DE, that it will be ok. You'll still have the baby you are meant to have, and your life will be so much richer because of it.
Crystal
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