The hummingbird

Yesterday in Flagstaff, a hummingbird, which had apparently been trapped in our garage, fell onto the garage floor.

I picked him up and carried him over to the porch swing. He seemed OK, but very lethargic, and had his eyes closed.

We got some sugar water for him, and tried to get him to eat.

Wyatt was next to me, and kept holding him and petting him. Wyatt said "I know he is going to die." :(

So we held him for 15 minutes or so. I offered the water again, and - the hummingbird actually put his tongue out! He drank once... twice... then fell over in my hand, instantly dead.

The only thing I can figure is that he used the very last bit of his energy to try to drink, and that was it for him.

I was sad. Wyatt was sad.

Doug got a shovel and buried the hummingbird.

I thought that was the end of it until I saw Wyatt standing by the hummingbird's grave, looking down with tears streaming down his face. I ran over to him and rubbed his back. He said "I am so sad about the hummingbird!" I said "Me too" and by now, I was crying too, because it hurt me so much to see Wyatt crying.

He said "I want to go upstairs and play Age of Empires."

"Ok," I said, and I walked up with him.

But instead of going to the computer, he walked over to the big chair, sat down and pulled the blanket over his body, and started crying again.

I sat behind him in the chair, and put my arm around him. I asked him if it was okay if I sat with him, or if he just wanted to be alone. He said "It's okay."

So we sat like that for a few minutes. I told him if he had questions, he could ask me.

He said "Mommy, I don't want the ants to eat him."

"Would you feel better if we put him into a little ziplock baggie so he will be safe?"

Wyatt nodded emphatically.

So I got a baggie and we walked back downstairs. Doug got the shovel again and dug up the grave. I took the hummingbird's tiny body, brushed the dirt off it, and put it gently into the baggie. Then we re-buried him. Grandma got a painted stone and put it on the grave as a marker.

I asked Wyatt if he felt better, and he said yes.

But he kept crying about the hummingbird on and off during the day. I explained that everything dies, and that the hummingbird died being loved and cared for instead of being eaten or shot, and he was lucky to die that way. I said it was okay to be sad about it, and told Wyatt how much I had wished the hummingbird had flown away.

Wyatt said "I knew he was going to die." I asked how. He said "I just knew it." I told him that it could have gone either way.  I told him that it is very important to hold onto hope, and to always hope the best is going to happen instead of expecting bad things to happen.

Wyatt didn't want me to leave him last night, so I brought him into our bedroom. He was holding my arm so tight, and I know he is processing death, so I suspect there are more questions coming, including the worst questions - the ones I want to shield him from but need to prepare him for.

What's strange is we have lost several pets in Wyatt's life. But I guess this was the first time he actually watched something die, so it is more real to him than a pet that just leaves to the doctor and never comes back home.

I feel so badly for Wyatt, and hope I can keep finding the right words to help him process death.

Life after surgery

So on September 10, I had surgery. Not just ANY surgery, but a BIG surgery.

Total hysterectomy
Appendectomy
Lysis of adhesions
And - tummy tuck

I have been at home healing since. Dealing with hot flashes and sweating. Feeling cooped up and too reliant on hubby to do anything that requires outside-of-the-home driving. Dealing with complete and total exhaustion.

I have been going to bed around 10PM every night and waking up at 7AM, and STILL taking a nap on most days.

I am tired of being tired.

And I am full of swelling and fluid. My belly is tight and uncomfortable.

Still - this IS the first time in my adult life I have had a flat tummy.

So there's that.

Today was an interesting day. I decided to try a yoga program I had recorded on the DVR. I couldn't do all the poses. Basically, anything that required abdominal muscles was off-limits. But I stretched and twisted and breathed, and you know what?

I feel pretty good right now.

My tummy still hurts, but I feel like I am breathing more deeply, and I feel centered, and well, this is the best I have felt in the past 4 weeks anyway.

So I am looking forward to continuing to work out and get into shape.

On God

Take any negative feelings about Christianity out of it. Take the Bible out of it. Think of God as... the pulse of the universe. Not a HIM; not Jesus; not any relation to religions created by man. Strip everything created by man away from it.

Imagine yourself on top of a mountain. The temperature is perfect. You are alone, but can see around you for hundreds of miles. You can hear the bugs in the grass; can hear the whispering of the breeze through the pines. You can smell the grass and the pine trees and the hint of a campfire from somewhere down the road. You can see the reflection of the sun off cars on a road many many miles away from you. You can feel the vibration of the people in those cars; the vibration of the trees; the vibration of the sky, the earth, the road you came in on. In this one moment, you can feel your connection to all the people who stood here before; to all the animals peering at you from their hiding places; to all the people in all the houses and cars; to the sun and stars; to a person standing on a mountain on the opposite side of the planet thinking the same thing. You feel your place in the world - both simultaneously tiny and insignificant in the vast universe, and extremely important and with purpose in the world. Have you ever had a moment like that? Where you were just connected to everything? THAT'S GOD. God isn't what man has defined Him to be, and God isn't the evil people who have done harm in His name. God isn't pain and anger. God is beauty and love and light. God is that vibration, that connection. It's the force that created us and everything that is, whether you want to think of that force in scientific terms, as a benevolent man, or as something more existential and new age. I do not think the only reason God created us is to have a personal relationship with Him. But I think a personal relationship with Him adds a dimension to our lives that opens us further, makes us feel more fully, and makes us MORE than we are closed off to Him.

I do not think we are a by-product of random events. I think there is meaning and purpose to everything that happens to us. But I also believe in free will (which I understand is a bit of a paradox). I think there are certain lessons each of us is here to learn. I think that the people we are connected to and the people whose lives we touch are for a reason.

I think that the universe contains MUCH more than simply us, and that we are not capable of understanding all that is. We are simply ants in a yard, making assumptions about everything outside our yard based on what we see. Ants cannot fathom Paris or New York or the ocean. And we cannot fathom all there is in the universe. Not when it comes to matter. Not when it comes to the "supernatural". And not when it comes to God.

Not believing in Him doesn't stop Him from existing. And writing books and making up a bunch of rules doesn't change His nature. He is Love. He is Light. He is in each of us whether we want to believe it or not.

On gay marriage...

I understand some of the arguments against gay marriage. I get that some people are "grossed out" by the idea of two guys together (although some of these guys watch videos with two girls together, but I digress). I get that if the Bible is your personal law book, that you might view homosexuality as an abomination. And I get that you may view marriage as a sacred God-given ritual that shouldn't be tarnished.

I really do understand HOW people could feel this way.

But -

What I do not understand is how someone then extrapolates that to mean that everyone must live by their belief.

This country has lots of different people - it is how the country was designed.

Our country is full of Christians. And Jews. And atheists. And Muslims. And Wiccans. And a whole lot of people that don't know what to believe.

And this is a good thing. Because our country is all about FREEDOM.

And I am big on freedom. I think freedom is the most important thing. Freedom doesn't just mean that YOU are free to live your life the way you choose. It means that you must stand up for the right for others to live THEIR lives the way they choose as well.

It's easy to support freedom when there is nothing going on that offends you. It's trickier when you are supporting a freedom that you don't personally agree with, morally or otherwise.

I think this is where both the Democrats and Republicans fall short.

The Democrats say "We want freedom!!!! Except not freedom to own guns. And not freedom to profit with a successful business. And not freedom to make our own food choices for our children. And not freedom to fly certain flags that we may not agree with. And not freedom to teach creationism as one of many theories for how our world came to be."

And the Republicans say "We want freedom!!!! Except not freedom for gays to marry. And not freedom to make our own reproductive choices. And not freedom to smoke pot! And not freedom to teach evolution as one of many theories for how our world came to be."

It's easy to support freedoms you agree with.
It's trickier to support freedoms you don't agree with.

So back to gay marriage.

Even IF someone thinks it is disgusting and wrong and immoral... Why do YOUR beliefs dictate what is right for everyone? This is what baffles me. You can say "God says it is wrong and we must follow God." But.... there are lots of things God says are wrong that we do. How many Christians divorce? How many Christians re-marry? How many Christians have affairs? None of this is against the LAW of our country.

So why this one sticking point?

Why gay marriage? What will happen if gays are allowed to marry?

For those who are not gay, life will go on as usual. Your marriage will mean the same thing it always meant. If God was the center of your marriage, it will continue to be so. If your church and community are God-focused, it will continue to be so. Your church will not be forced to marry gay people.

For those who are gay, you will now have the same options that every other American enjoys. You can continue to stay single, or you can commit to someone you love. And that commitment will mean that you will receive the benefits that other married Americans have. You can put your partner on your health insurance. You can file taxes jointly. You become a FAMILY, so that you and your partner are legally responsible for each other. You can stand before your family and friends (and God - because there ARE gay people who believe in God) and profess your love for each other.

There is nothing dirty or disgusting here. It's all about LOVE. Your mind doesn't have to immediately go to what happens in the bedroom, because there is much more to a relationship than that. I mean, is sex the only important thing in your marriage? Doesn't it mean something to know that there is someone who will always be by your side, who you can walk through life with, and who is connected to you? Doesn't it mean something to know that the law recognizes your connection with this person, and that you are responsible for each other?

Why deny another adult that experience just because he/she happens to be attracted to the same sex?

It's about FREEDOM.

Gay marriage doesn't DIRECTLY HARM anyone.

And it's about equality. We should all be treated the same under the law. PERIOD. And if you do not support someone else's right to equality and freedom, it is only a matter of time until someone will be trying to take away a freedom that means a lot to YOU. We must all stand up for FREEDOM - no matter our personal views on an issue.

Something's going on at the mall

Going to Seattle on my own for nine days was interesting, to say the least. Of course, it was very very very busy, since we were there for the NACCU conference. There were days I woke up at 5AM and worked until 10:30PM, with no real break. It was rough - but it is always rough. Once a year, I know I have to do it.

But this year, Doug and Wyatt stayed home. I was on my own. Nobody to be responsible for. Just me.

I found myself unfolding throughout the nine days. It was weird.

I started out stressed and small, and ended up free and me.

The first thing I realized is that people DO respond well to me. I tweeted for work, in the usual dry, professional NACCU voice. Then I tweeted as me, in my goofy UNprofessional voice. And it was obvious that people responded to the personal tweets. That's what they all wanted to talk to me about...

Then I talked to Eric Stoller, a social media expert, who confirmed that yes, you want to use personality and market YOURSELF as the spokesperson for the brand. He told me something like "You are vibrant, so be vibrant." and that was the beginning of a larger conversation with myself in my head.

I walked around Seattle, thinking about ME. Thinking about who I am, and how much of myself I try to hold back, in fear that people will think I am weird. But the truth is - I *am* weird. Or at least, I am me. (I'm convinced that I just say things that nobody else will say out loud.)

And how much I try to force myself to be what other people want or need or expect. And how much that drains me.

So why not just be me, and let things fall where they may? If someone doesn't like the REAL me, why would I want to put on some mask to hope to gain their approval and acceptance?

I always thought that "growing up" meant that you drop silliness and are able to act professional and together, but now I think that growing up is dropping the act, and just being who you are.

I do not have to force myself to conform to some standard that someone unlike me has defined. There is a role for me in this world, as God made me. I am quirky and outspoken and smiley and laughy and stumbly and creative, and those are all perfectly fine things to be. I wasn't made to be a 9-5 manager, and that's ok too. I have a lot to offer as I am.

I just let go in Seattle. I smiled and laughed and said all the weird random things that popped into my head, and people LIKED it. They laughed. They responded. I felt so ME. I felt free.

As I was walking through the streets of Seattle, thinking about how much of our lives we all waste holding our true selves in so that we fit in, and how I am not going to do that anymore, it started to sprinkle. I lifted my face to the rain and smiled as the drops fell on me. An ambulance pulled up on the other side of the street, and a lady behind me said to her friend, in a most serious loud whisper, "Something's going on at the mall." And I don't know - it just struck me as profound.

There's always something going on at the mall. Life is full of drama and pain and gain and loss and love... and though it can seem like a lot to deal with sometimes, we are here for such a very short time. I am not going to waste any more of my time being anyone other than me.

Since I've been back, I feel different. About a lot of things. I feel able to let go of a lot which is out of my control. I feel like if I am just me, everything is going to happen the way it is meant to happen. And I feel confident that no matter what other people choose to do, I will be just fine.

A Confident Woman

I am a confident woman. All-in-all, I like myself. I think I am pretty smart, creative, funny, and caring. I think I am a good person. I like my smile. I like my fair skin. I like the way I think and who I am as a person.

What does it mean to be confident?

It means that I am willing to speak my mind. It means I am able to express myself. It means I don't compare myself against others or feel inferior when there are others who have succeeded or who have strengths I may not share. It means I am comfortable in my own skin. It means I don't often feel guilty, because I make decisions I stand behind. It means I feel "good enough" and "deserving".

What does it NOT mean to be confident?

It doesn't mean I think I am perfect. There are plenty of things I am working on about myself, and plenty more on the list for the future. There are other weaknesses I have come to accept, even if it isn't what I would necessarily choose for myself in a perfect world. I am flawed, as all humans are. But being flawed isn't something to feel badly about. I choose to focus on what I DO have to offer instead.

It doesn't mean I think I am better than anyone else. As a matter of fact, it has NOTHING at all to do with anyone else. Confidence comes from within, not from comparing yourself to others and feeling superior. Because I think I am a good mom doesn't mean I think you are a poor mom, even if you parent with a completely different style than me. Because I think I am a good artist doesn't mean I think I am the BEST ARTIST IN THE WORLD or that there aren't even beginners who have vision I don't share.

It doesn't mean I think I am always right. Ok, it does. I think I am usually right FOR ME. But what is right for me isn't necessarily right for you. I can tell you how I handle my child's tantrum, just in case it might work for you. That doesn't mean if it doesn't work for you that I think you are a bad mom. It doesn't mean that I don't get that there are countless variables in every family dynamic. You are not me. Your child is not my child. Your husband is not my husband. Your house is not my house. The way I say something isn't necessarily the same way you would, so what works for me could have completely different results for you.

So...

If you find yourself feeling guilty or inferior because of something someone else says, think about it. Do you really think their intent is to make you feel unworthy? Or do you think that maybe it just could be that you lack confidence? Because when you feel you are doing and being your best, there is nothing to feel inferior or guilty about. When you are confident in yourself, you are able to do things your way with no apologies and no worries about what other people think.

Think about it.

Thanksgiving

I am most thankful for Wyatt. God blessed me with him and I can't imagine my life without him. He brings joy to me every day and makes me want to be a better person. I always thought that sounded so trite when I heard it but I know exactly what it means now. I am so so thankful I get to hold his little hand crossing the street, receive his sweet "MWA!" kisses, and even hear him calling "Momm-ee! Momm-eee!" from his crib when I go in for the 30th time to tell him that he needs to close his eyes and go back to seepy.

I am thankful for God, of course, but to me, that is wrapped up with my thankfulness for Wyatt. Because Wyatt was the greatest gift God could give me and I see God every time I look into his blue eyes. I say prayers of thanks every single day.

Happy Thanksgiving to all.

Crystal

I look old!

I look old.

We were watching the videos of when Wyatt was born and in the NICU and there's one where I have Wyatt cuddled under my shirt doing "kangaroo care". I look SO YOUNG in that video. And it was only two years ago.

How can I have aged so much in two years? It is really shocking.

And I still feel like that teenager who graduated HS 23 years ago. 23 years!!! And that 20-something smartass girl trying to be independent. And here I am 41 years old and still time keeps ticking by.

I guess no matter what we do, we keep aging and one day, we just won't be here anymore.

I just hope I am here long enough to watch Wyatt grow up.

Crystal

41st birthday

Just a couple quick pics of my cake, which DH insisted must have 41 candles. Call the fire department - LOL!

We need to work with Wyatt on the "posing for a photo" thing.

Next year will be my first Mother's Day...

...and I will be 40! WOW. I never expected to be that old before being a mommy.

Ah well, at least I will be one. I feel very lucky and blessed.

Weird dreams!

I would blame pregnancy, but I have always had odd dreams.

A couple of weeks ago, I had a very sweet dream where I was in the hospital bed, and someone laid my naked baby down on my chest. He was staring at me and I just smiled and said "Hi there." It was so realistic, and I could feel his skin, smell his smell, and feel his warmth.

Then a couple nights ago, I dreamed that he was telling me that he wanted to wear "big boy underwear" and he was walking around. I asked my mom how old he was and she said "Seven days".  !!!! Eeek!

Last night, I dreamed that my dad brought a tupperware container of iridescent blue butterflies for everyone to snack on. When he opened the lid, of course some of the butterflies started flying around, so I was shooing them outside so they wouldn't get eaten. Everyone else was happily munching butterflies!

Crystal