In a funk

I am not sure why.

Part of it, I'm sure, is due to trying to get back to life as usual after thinking I was pregnant then having that taken away. Today, back at work, I had to sit on the same toilet where I steadied myself only a few weeks ago as I read a digital HPT that said "YES". Today, I just sat there feeling empty.

I love Wyatt, of course. He is a light in my life and brings me so much joy and happiness. But I still can't shake the feeling of the loss, even if it was the loss of something I was never promised and never really had. An ectopic is NOT the same as being pregnant and losing it, right? It could have never became anything anyway.

Yet I still keep seeing hummingbirds everywhere I go. Perhaps because somewhere in my mind I am looking for them, looking for the hope to still be there. I don't want to say goodbye to my little hummingbird even though she is already gone.

I need to scream, though there is no place to do that. I need to cry, although I am told over and over that "everything is ok". Maybe it is. But that pain is still there, tainting everything I do.

When I bathe Wyatt, I think of how sweet it would be to have two in the bath, playing with each other.

When Wyatt was at the splash pad this weekend, I thought how he needs to learn how to play and wonder if he would already know if he had a brother or sister to learn with.

This ache in my heart, this feeling of someone missing, is just so strong. And to have my dream held out to me on a white stick covered in pee then yanked away with yet another scar across my belly... it's just so unfair. I can't quit asking WHY. Why did it even have to happen? I didn't need that. There was no purpose to it.

Luckily, my life doesn't leave me much time for wallowing. There is much to do, don't you know. I have a boy to care for, a job to do, a house to clean, and a husband. I can't just sit around crying, and I suppose that's a good thing.

For now, I will try to heal. Inside and outside. And keep trying to find a way to bring my hummingbird to me when my body has the energy to move again.

Crystal