Letting go of hope

How do you do it? Let go of hope, that is?

AF started last night. She was 2 days late. I know that I can't get pregnant. Yet I still had that holding-my-breath feeling. I still planned on stopping by Dollar Tree today to pick up a few HPTs. (Oh how I love peeing on sticks!!!)

And so today, I feel slightly deflated.

I don't get it. How can I let logic win and just let the hope fly away?

I do believe that God is sovereign. He can do anything. Unblocking a tube is nothing to Him. It's so simple. But why would He? What makes me so worthy of another child? Not that I feel UNworthy, mind you, but what makes my miracle more critical to see to than my sister's friend who is dying of cancer, or a billion other hardships and desperate situations? Heck, my situation doesn't even qualify as desperate... it's just a quiet hope. A silent and constant prayer.

I am supposed to have surgery in August to remove adhesions. I am putting it off for now, but one of the questions the doctor asked is if I wanted a hysterectomy at the same time? My insides are REALLY messed up see, and the fewer surgeries I can subject myself to, the better... so better to get it all over with at once.

But I said no.

Not just no, but "NO!!!!" with a shocked look on my face and my arms around my abdomen.

Why?

What will I gain keeping my uterus? I doubt it will be used again. As a matter of fact, I kinda want it NOT to be used again... it is so dangerous for me to be pg in the first place.

And I am really happy with what I have. I love my son more than anything, and he is more than I ever could have wished for...

So why is it so hard to let go of that hope? And should I be praying for THAT (the ability to let go) instead of the constant prayer of "If it is Your will, God, please bring another baby to me." ??

Crystal