The hummingbird

Yesterday in Flagstaff, a hummingbird, which had apparently been trapped in our garage, fell onto the garage floor.

I picked him up and carried him over to the porch swing. He seemed OK, but very lethargic, and had his eyes closed.

We got some sugar water for him, and tried to get him to eat.

Wyatt was next to me, and kept holding him and petting him. Wyatt said "I know he is going to die." :(

So we held him for 15 minutes or so. I offered the water again, and - the hummingbird actually put his tongue out! He drank once... twice... then fell over in my hand, instantly dead.

The only thing I can figure is that he used the very last bit of his energy to try to drink, and that was it for him.

I was sad. Wyatt was sad.

Doug got a shovel and buried the hummingbird.

I thought that was the end of it until I saw Wyatt standing by the hummingbird's grave, looking down with tears streaming down his face. I ran over to him and rubbed his back. He said "I am so sad about the hummingbird!" I said "Me too" and by now, I was crying too, because it hurt me so much to see Wyatt crying.

He said "I want to go upstairs and play Age of Empires."

"Ok," I said, and I walked up with him.

But instead of going to the computer, he walked over to the big chair, sat down and pulled the blanket over his body, and started crying again.

I sat behind him in the chair, and put my arm around him. I asked him if it was okay if I sat with him, or if he just wanted to be alone. He said "It's okay."

So we sat like that for a few minutes. I told him if he had questions, he could ask me.

He said "Mommy, I don't want the ants to eat him."

"Would you feel better if we put him into a little ziplock baggie so he will be safe?"

Wyatt nodded emphatically.

So I got a baggie and we walked back downstairs. Doug got the shovel again and dug up the grave. I took the hummingbird's tiny body, brushed the dirt off it, and put it gently into the baggie. Then we re-buried him. Grandma got a painted stone and put it on the grave as a marker.

I asked Wyatt if he felt better, and he said yes.

But he kept crying about the hummingbird on and off during the day. I explained that everything dies, and that the hummingbird died being loved and cared for instead of being eaten or shot, and he was lucky to die that way. I said it was okay to be sad about it, and told Wyatt how much I had wished the hummingbird had flown away.

Wyatt said "I knew he was going to die." I asked how. He said "I just knew it." I told him that it could have gone either way.  I told him that it is very important to hold onto hope, and to always hope the best is going to happen instead of expecting bad things to happen.

Wyatt didn't want me to leave him last night, so I brought him into our bedroom. He was holding my arm so tight, and I know he is processing death, so I suspect there are more questions coming, including the worst questions - the ones I want to shield him from but need to prepare him for.

What's strange is we have lost several pets in Wyatt's life. But I guess this was the first time he actually watched something die, so it is more real to him than a pet that just leaves to the doctor and never comes back home.

I feel so badly for Wyatt, and hope I can keep finding the right words to help him process death.

Big picture parenting

There was a post today on a group I belong to about a 3 year old who sticks her tongue out in defiance. The mom was asking us - WWYD? Someone mentioned washing her mouth out with soap. Someone else mentioned that it was cruel. I responded:

"I think it is cruel too. There's a difference between giving a natural consequence for bad behavior, and completely taking someone's personal power away and "punishing" them. I think parenting is preparing a child for adulthood, and nowhere in their real life will someone hold them down and put soap in their mouth (at least - I hope to raise a child who would never allow someone to do that!). But if they make poor choices, there WILL be consequences in their adult life. That's what I focus on teaching. And that's how I look at discipline - as TEACHING. Not as punishment. I know there are different parenting styles and they all can work in different ways. It just depends on what your desired outcome is in a "big picture" way."

And that got me thinking about what my REAL job is as a parent. Parents like to get down in the details, and argue amongst themselves. Spanking or not? Circumcision or not? Car seat diligence or laid back when-and-where judgment? Organic or McDonalds? And the fact is that no matter which way we go on all these issues, most of our children are going to make it to adulthood, and most of them will be functioning, mostly well-adjusted adults. So in the big picture, none of those choices really matter.

My son is five. Because he is five, I pretty much control his world. I decide who his friends are (or at least which ones he can see outside of school). I control what his hobbies are. I control what he eats, drinks, plays. I control bedtime and wake-up time. But a time will come in the not-too-distant future, when I will lose much of that control. It will slowly slip through my fingers until my child is finally an independent adult.

So... what is my desired outcome? What choices am I making today that will impact older childhood and his life as an adult? What kind of person do I want him to be? 

I want him to be self-sufficient. I want him to be confident in his abilities. I want him to feel empowered about making choices in his own life. I want him to CHOOSE his life, rather than just sit around and let things happen to him. 

So how can I help him get to that point before he flies away from the nest?

And the big picture answer is this: 

How I live my life is showing him how life should be lived. How I respond when someone hurts me teaches him how to respond when someone hurts him. The choices I make to be happy teaches him how to make choices to be happy. How I deal with emotions like anger and sadness and betrayal and disappointment will affect his future relationships and friendships and marriage and how HE parents my grandchildren.

It doesn't matter if I feed him organic food. Well - sure, these choices we make have an impact on their health and well-being. But the #1 key to his success as an adult is ME and how I live my own life.

The other key to "big picture" parenting is that in young childhood, we are building a foundation. As I said already, I control his life to a great degree. The things we deal with now are not a big deal in the grand scheme of things... tantrums, five more minutes for video games, I don't wanna go to bed, I don't wanna go to school. Sure, how we respond is a big deal, because it teaches THEM how to respond... but as long as you respond in a way that is true to yourself, it's not a big deal.

What is a big deal is the foundation. As the child gets older, he'll start dealing with adult issues. Friendships with difficult people. Drugs. Alcohol. Sex. Love. Career path. These things ARE a big deal. They are a very big deal. And while he may need me now to wash his sheets and teach him about nutrition, he will never need me more than he'll need me then. If I do not do my part building TRUST between us and making sure he knows I will always be there for him now, he will not feel comfortable coming to me then. He will build a wall between us, and he will make his choices for his life based on advice from other teenagers. Hopefully he will have a trusted teacher or someone who will guide him. I cannot take that chance. I must ensure that my son will be able to come to me. Will be able to talk to me. Will be able to listen to my advice and know that I have his best interests at heart.

I remember being a teenager. I remember rolling my eyes and putting on my headphones and slamming my door and being angry at my parents. I am not naive enough to believe I will never have to deal with that crap. But in a big picture aspect, I have to maximize the odds that my son will be able to talk to me when it is important.

So what does that mean now? It means I will never humiliate him. I will never strip him of his power. I will allow him to make choices whenever possible and will allow him to live with the consequences of his choices. I will be kind. I will be CALM. I will be loving. He will know that I am a safe place. A place without judgment or condemnation or hitting or anger or screaming.

And it means I will continue to work on myself. Being an imperfect person is part of being a person. I don't always do the right thing or be who I know I can be. But continuing to strive to be the best me I can is important. Because he is always watching and learning.

In the big picture, it's not about forcing him to bend to my will or forcing him to fit into my expectations. It's about ME fitting into my expectations. And hoping he will follow.

Things I want my son to know

I found this list of "25 things I want my sons to know" and, well, while some of it is good advice, some of it is lacking. A cigar, really? Yes, nothing is wrong with having a cigar as long as it is ALONE or with other smokers and you are carrying some Febreze around with you. Nobody wants to smell that!

So anyway, as I go in for surgery today, I thought I'd take a few moments to share some things I want my son to know. So here goes...

1. I love you more than anything in the world, and I always will. I won't save this for last, because it's the biggest and most important thing I always want him to remember. No matter what happens in his life, my arms are always open and I will always give him comfort and love.

2. If you love and accept yourself, you find that you are also more accepting of others. Everyone is different and has been forged through different experiences in their lives. So there is no need to expect everyone to share your beliefs and values and outlook on life. Be you and allow others to be who they are, and you will let go of the burden of having to live up some arbitrary societal "rule" of how to be.

3. Stand up for those who are weak or unheard.

4. Always hold on to your integrity. Do the right thing, not because others expect it of you, but so you may walk through life with a light and guiltless heart.

5. Let go of that which you cannot control, and focus on yourself when you wish for change in your life. You can't control what other people do. You can only control your reactions to what they do. And sometimes, the best reaction is to let someone go, if they continually hurt you.

6. When you partner up with someone down the road, don't only pay attention to the butterflies and feelings you have. Pay attention to who they are; their character. Do they live their life with integrity? Are they respectful to others? Do they have harmonious relationships with most of the people in their lives? If not, don't expect it to be any different with you, no matter how wonderful they make you feel in the beginning.

7. Respect is the cornerstone of a long-term relationship. You should always respect another person's opinions, boundaries, and values. You should never try to change or control someone else - if someone isn't who you want them to be, either you aren't a good match for them, or you have some work you need to do yourself to make you ready for a relationship.

8. Laugh every day.

9. Always remember how fortunate you are, and live your life with gratitude.

10. Never be afraid to express yourself. If you are authentic, you will draw the right people to you, even as others who don't "get" you may run away. It is better to live a full rewarding life with fewer people than to live a lie behind a mask where everyone loves the fake you.

11. Never talk about people behind their back. If others are gossiping, do not get involved in the conversation.

12. Do not invite drama into your life. Everything is always ok in the end, and if it is not ok, then it's not the end. Take things one moment at a time, always do the best you can, and remember to breathe. But don't turn molehills into mountains and make a big deal out of things that aren't a big deal in the long run.

13. Smile at people. Not because it makes them wonder what you are up to, but because you realize every person has something to offer, and every person has some type of hidden pain. Be someone who brings light into the world.

14. Explore God. He's there, waiting for you to find Him, but I want you to find Him in your own way. Open yourself to possibility.

15. Sing and dance and build and write and draw and run. Fill yourself with all life has to offer.

16. Choose a profession that gives you enough money and time to travel.

17. Have babies. And be a good daddy.

18. Things are never never never as important as people.

19. There is always a way to get more money, but never a way to get back a lost experience.

20. Surround yourself with people who are positive and smart and good and funny. Yes, it is possible for someone to be ALL of these things. Don't settle for less.

I love you. Always and forever, my little puffalump. :)

I can't be the only one.

The trend right now seems to be angry parenting blogs. Articles where moms or dads call their children "little a$$holes" and lament over how ridiculous their lives are as parents.

Such as the popular book "Go the F*ck to Sleep" in which a parent cusses like a sailor while being irritated that their child won't sleep.

Or this lovely chestnut:

Just seems to be a trend. And it is inevitable that a host of parents comment, laughing. Yep, this is their life! Hahahah! Our kids are all little shitheads! Hahahaha!

But this isn't MY life.

And I always have to be the arrogant ass who speaks up and says so too. But certainly I can't be the only one. I can't be the ONLY PARENT who has a child who listens and wants to do good and laughs more than they whine. I can't be the ONLY PARENT who not only accepts the crankiness and quirkiness of children, but who expects it.

So here's MY list. I won't be calling my child names, because... that ain't how I roll. I waited many many years and fought hard and almost even lost my life to have him, and I am gonna treat him with respect and love. I am NOT putting down the parents who feel differently, because we are all different, and hey... whatever helps you deal, as long as you don't call them little shitheads to their faces. But that's not for me....


CRYSTAL'S PARENTING ADVICE: (Some of this you've heard before, but it bears repeating.)


1. Expect ridiculousness. Children, especially young children, lack common sense. Or rather, what is logical to them isn't what is logical in the real world of adults. I remember my nephew Michael took off his clothes and covered himself in peanut butter. While you and I may think that is crazy; hey - he just wanted to know what it felt like to be covered in peanut butter! Completely logical to him. So you have to expect this stuff, and set your world up to best deal with it. This means you keep the peanut butter on the top shelf. It means you put drawer locks where you keep medicine, makeup, flour, or anything else kids can make a mess with. It means you "kid proof" your house - NOT for just SAFETY - but for ridiculousness! You can't protect against ALL ridiculousness... so you have to expect it. And remember as you clean your ENTIRE JAR OF EXPENSIVE FACE CREAM out of his hair that someday you'll be telling this story with a smile on your face .

2. Give choices. "Do you want to pee, brush your teeth, or blow your nose first?" This is the question I ask Wyatt every morning, and every evening. And sometimes the answer is different, and when it is, he does things in the order he wants. Not only does this give him some control in the situation, but it lets him know exactly what to expect. He KNOWS he is gonna pee, brush his teeth, and blow his nose. So when it happens, he is much less likely to resist or whine about it. You have opportunities to give choices ALL the time. "What color cup do you want?" "What shirt do you want to wear today?" "What animal do you want to snuggle tonight?" "We have time to do one more fun thing before bed. What do you want to do?" Knowing what is coming and having a say in what is happening are both important.


3. If you gotta do it, you may as well make it fun. Brushing teeth is boring. Making up a crazy song about teeth while you do it is fun! Getting dressed is boring. Seeing how FAST you can get dressed is fun. Driving is boring. Counting trucks or reading what all the signs say is fun. Waiting is boring. Pretending to be PENGUINS while you are waiting is fun.

4. Whenever possible, always build in extra time for chasing. Another parenting article says to never chase. I disagree! Chasing is FUN. And chasing is exercise (for both of you). Don't just say "Come on, let's go to bed." Say "YOU BETTER RUN, CAUSE I'M COMING FOR YOU!" and listen to their squeals of joy as they run. (This is especially fun and funny after a bath, when you are chasing a naked child around with a towel.)

5. Take every opportunity to cuddle. Look, whether you are a strict "you-sleep-in-your-bed-and-don't-get-out" or a "we-co-sleep every night" family, at some point, likely between... say 7 and 12,  your child is NOT going to want anything to do with sleeping next to you or snuggling you. So, for gosh sakes, take every moment you can feeling their warm body against you and talking, or watching them drift off to sleep in your arms. Lie with them at night. If they get up in the night, let them in your bed. This is good for YOU, and it is good for THEM, because I believe that the safer, more secure, and more loved a child feels, the happier the child is. The laundry can wait, seriously. Enjoy the moment! I get some kids are fidgety and kicky and not fun to sleep with... so find other ways and other times to enjoy the cuddling.

6. Don't get riled up. Every child has moments. Tantrums. Whines. Crying. Defiance. That sort of thing. Remember rule 1 - expect ridiculousness. Sometimes, it IS ridiculous, such as when Wyatt cried because I wouldn't let him win a video game. But you gotta understand that TO THEM, it's not ridiculous. And invalidating their feelings by TELLING them it is ridiculous accomplishes nothing. Your job in these moments is to help him/her learn to communicate their feelings. "I understand that you are sad that you lost. Sometimes you win, and sometimes you lose, and if you want people to enjoy playing with you, try to be happy for them when they win." That sort of typical parental wisdom. Then show them, by being excited when THEY win, and point it out. "See how happy I am for you? Doesn't that feel good?" Then NEXT time (or maybe the next time or next time, because this stuff requires repetition) they'll get it, and they'll learn how to tell you how they feel WITHOUT whining or crying. But for young kids, whining and crying is all they know. I promise they aren't doing it to manipulate you or to piss you off. They just have to learn the words to express what they are feeling. And for this - they count on YOU. Not just as a teacher, but as a ROLE MODEL. Because if you yell and scream and call them names or start crying and whining yourself... well... you just taught them how an adult deals with hard emotions or situations. It is important that you show them that you HAVE emotions, but equally important that you teach them how to deal with them constructively. Yelling just escalates the stress level and takes things up a notch, when what you really want to accomplish is to diffuse the situation.

7. Live in the moment. In this recent article, a mom talks about how irritated she is when people tell her to enjoy every moment because it goes by so fast. Then says:


At that particular moment, Amma had arranged one of the new bras I was buying on top of her sweater and was sucking a lollipop that she must have found on the ground. She also had three shop-lifted clip-on neon feathers stuck in her hair. She looked exactly like a contestant from Toddlers and Tiaras. I couldn't find Chase anywhere, and Tish was grabbing the pen on the credit card swiper thing WHILE the woman in front of me was trying to use it.

And goes on to talk about how hard everything is. Well - let's look at this situation. A child with a bra on and feathers in her hair is pretty darn funny. That's when you pull out your phone and upload a photo to Facebook! Having a child missing is... well... not good, but usually solvable. And having a child close enough to the pen the other woman was using is dangerous! See rule 1. You gotta expect ridiculousness! Even a lollipop off the ground - I mean, who cares. It's not gonna kill her. Say "EWWWWWW, we don't eat things off the ground.", throw it away, and move on to the next thing.

Everything she described, IN MY OPINION, was an opportunity for laughter and joy. Well, except the missing child, but those things happen, and you deal with them.

Dr. Phil always says "Your perception is your reality." And maybe I am unique in my ability to find humor and joy in almost any situation. Even when Wyatt is cranky and whiny, I say "Come here, cranky pants" and hug him. And if he resists and yells "NOOO!!!!!!" or even "I HATE YOU!!!" and I have to take him up to his room, I do so with love and a smile, because I know everyone gets cranky. And I know it's temporary. And I want to be calm and loving. And well... because a cranky four year old kicking his legs and whining while I carry him upstairs on my shoulder is pretty funny!

8. Mean what you say. If you say "STOP THAT, or we aren't going on vacation!", you know when you are saying it that you are going on vacation no matter what the kid does! You've taken the time off work, the plane tickets are in your purse, and you're going. So why threaten it? Pick a consequence that you can actually apply, and if they don't STOP THAT, apply it. Every time. EVERY. TIME. This is something you simply cannot be lazy about. Because if you say "STOP THAT or I'm taking your Legos away" and then you don't take the Legos away, next time you say "STOP THAT or I'm taking your Legos away", the kid is gonna think "Yeh, right. Sometimes she does and sometimes she doesn't, so it is worth the risk to keep having this fun!" But if you say "STOP THAT, or I'm taking the Legos away" and they don't STOP THAT, and you immediately walk over and take the Legos and put them on top of the fridge and then calmly go back to what you were doing, despite their cries of horror, next time, they will KNOW that you mean it. And it really only takes a few times of following through, with an occasional reminder, for them to understand that you mean what you say. And for goodness sake, make sure you talk to them after the crying is over about what was wrong with what they were doing and why you had to take the Legos away. Remember that you are teaching them how to express and process emotion - and showing them that they are loved.

9. Routine is your best friend. Do the SAME EXACT THINGS every morning. Do the SAME EXACT THINGS every night. When something is happening that is out-of-the-ordinary, talk about it and prepare your child. When you are playing, make it habit to clean up before moving to the next thing. When you are cooking, enlist their help and clean up while you go. When you are going about your daily routine, talk about it. Talk about why you do each thing, and what it does for you. And when you do your night-time routine, make sure it ends with your child in your arms as you sing a soft lullaby. These are the moments that you waited for, so don't miss out on them. Here's the thing about routine: when the child knows the same things happen every day and they are just part of his/her day, he/she is much less likely to resist or argue. These things are just part of life, like breathing. There's nothing here to argue.

Hey, I know every family is different. Some families deal with unique issues like autism or ADHD. Some moms had three kids before they even found out who they are as women and they are doing the best they can. Some children are especially defiant and moody. Some families deal with extra stressors such as financial issues, divorce, death, family issues... There are times when you are gonna get frustrated. And sometimes, just due to the time of the month, when you may feel irrationally moody yourself. Nobody is perfect.

But I just don't get the whole angry parenting trend. That is NOT my reality. And there have to be others who are with me. There just have to be.... I can't be the only one.

Peppermint

Wyatt: "Who bwought him here?"
Me: "Santa! Or maybe an elf."
Wyatt: "I don't know. Do you fink they ran away?"
Me: "Maybe. Do you think Peppermint is going to be naughty again?"
Wyatt: "How though? He can't move."
Me: "What do you think?"
Wyatt: "I fink Santa comes and hewps him."
Wyatt: "But he isn't going to be bad, because I am going to hold him ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT like this!"