The unfairness of IF and the unanswered questions

Well, as noted, Saturday brought the bad news of an unsuccessful cycle.

The results were HCG of "less than one". Less than one is worse than zero and makes me crazy!

There are just so many unanswered and unanswerable questions.

We started with one "excellent" embryo and one "average". My lining was perfect. All was well. Yet they decided not to stick.

WHY?

Is my uterus such a horrible place that they instantly shriveled away?

Did my need to get up and pee before the 20 minutes were over really cause a problem?

Was it something I did? Too much time in the bouncy car? Eating the wrong things? Working too much? Not enough?

Did these embies get the spark of a "soul" only to fade away? WHY? These aren't just little cells after all, but potential HUMAN LIFE.

If one little thing had gone differently, would I have ended up with a baby or babies from this cycle that will now never exist because of ME??

What if "less than one" meant I had a late implanter and that it is trying to grow now but I stopped the PIO? Am I stupid for wondering that?

And the big question - if a perfect embie couldn't make it in my uterus, how the heck is an FET going to work? We have 9 little frozen embies waiting and we go in Friday for the consultation for this cycle and the options to move on to the next one.

Sometimes I wonder how strong God wants me to be. I already have dealt with IF for several years, lost my little sister Barbara in December 05, got the news of my mom's breast cancer a couple months ago and am watching her go through chemo now... what's next?!?! It is time for some good news.

I am not a whiny person or a complainer. I am generally happy, optimistic, and at peace with life, even when bad things are happening. But I really had hope for this cycle and I was crushed to get the news of the BFN.

Oh well, back to work I go. Put on a happy face and just do what I have to do and hope the next one works.

Crystal