The pain of infertility

Trying to explain the pain of infertility to someone who has kids requires more than just saying "imagine your life without your kids". Others in your life probably didn't have to fight for their kids, so they were just another thing that happened in their lives, like getting a career, getting married, etc. Not that they don't love them, but the kids were a given. Of course they would have kids. Why wouldn't they?

The pain of infertility is more than just wanting children. It includes:

- The fear that you'll never be a Mommy.
- The anger that you can't have what comes so easily to others.
- The constant reminder of what you lack. Babies and pg women are EVERYWHERE.
- The anger that your body is useless and broken.
- The fear that you'll never be able to continue your family line.
- Constant news from the media that there are people out there who don't give a rip about their kids and even HURT them intentionally!!!
- Anger at God (or fate or nature) for putting you through this with lots of "WHY??????" questions.
- The sadness that you are letting your partner down or they got a "bum deal" getting an infertile partner.
- Fear of judgment from the world for considering different options
- The ache for a baby. I think this is what the general population thinks is the only pain associated with IF, but even then, they don't GET how strong this ache is, and how desperate. You don't know and can't know unless you experience it.

Each person can feel some of these more strongly than others or move in and out of why they are sad or angry. Right now, I am strongly in the "my body is useless and broken" place.

ANGER, SADNESS, DESPERATION, WORTHLESSNESS, FEAR, HOPE, DASHED HOPE, DETERMINATION. You go back and forth through all of these feelings over and over. As each piece of bad news is delivered by a doctor that, like the rest of the world, doesn't get the depth of your pain, you are pushed down further and are forced to fight harder, despite your fear and loss of hope, and dwindling options. Fighting when you want to crawl in a hole and die is the hardest thing, but is necessary if you want to make your dream come true.

Instead of making love on a beach and conceiving a child, we are forced to conceive (or TRY!!!) on a hard table in a cold room while a doctor does painful and humiliating things to us. And when you go through all the tests and procedures and STILL get that call that it didn't work, you worry. Will you ever be a mother? Is your body so messed up that you'll never carry a baby? Did you do something wrong in your past that you are being punished for? Why do other women, including teen girls, drug addicts, and abusers, get pregnant at the drop of the hat while you have to fight so hard? Did your embryos hate being in you so much that they would rather die than grow inside you? Does God hate you? WHY? WHY? WHY?

And then, with more hope stripped away, you have to try again. And again. Until it works or until all the life and hope are sucked out of you, leaving a hollow shell of a person with empty eyes and internal rage aimed at pregnant women, God, and of course, yourself, for being such a loser that you can't even get pregnant - one of the basics of being a woman.

And hopefully, one day, there is a light on the horizon in the form of two little pink lines. Dare we hope? Dare we dream that this can happen? For some of us, it does. For some, it ends in another heartache of the worst kind... having something promised then taken away.

And for those of us who achieve the impossible: we NEVER take our gift for granted. We hold our child or children close and revel in being called Mommy. But we never forget. Birth does not cure infertility. We are ever cautious about our interactions around other women, in case they are experiencing the pain we know so well. We remember the pain we went through to get to this place and wear it like both an ugly scar and a badge of honor. We are all too aware that our child came into the world IN SPITE OF the failings of our bodies. And that God's plan is determined and that our babies came to us exactly when and how they were supposed to.

For in the end, infertility is a story of HOPE and TRIUMPH against all odds. And for it to end successfully, it takes strength when you are weakest, and it takes determination when you feel hopeless. And it takes faith that no matter what happens and no matter what you have to go through, you will be a mother, dammit. Nothing will stop me. Nothing will stop me.

Crystal

Conversation with a sleepy almost-2 year old

Wyatt is lying on my arm drifting off to sleep. Suddenly he says:

"Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww!"
Me: "What's ew?"
Wyatt: "Bahf" (barf)
Me: "Yep, you're right. Barf is ew."
Wyatt: (nods)
A moment goes by...
Wyatt: "Poop"
Me: "Yep, poop is ew too."
Wyatt: "Yeah."

A few more moments go by...

Wyatt: "Eh-bow"
Me: "Elbow???"
Wyatt: (nods)
Me: "You're silly"
Wyatt: (nods)
Wyatt: (giggles)

LOL. I just love that he is getting more communicative and also getting his own sense of humor and expressing his thought processes.

He's also learned to open our doors in the last couple of days (they are the oval shaped ones and are hard to open) and has pretty much replaced his head nodding with "Yeah" which he says constantly.

Crystal

Element

This song made me cry today... reminds me of my little hummingbird. Video link below if you want to hear it.
--------------

I've been waiting
Wish I was watching you
In the daylight
A perfect view
This is always a favorite of mine.
I was hoping
That I'd find you
At the right place, at the right time
and you, you were waiting.
Your hopeful eyes

Said I don't want to go
Cause it means I'd have to throw
This element of mine aside
I'm afraid, confused
And I don't have a clue
As to what to fear in you.

So What if I don't want to be the lonely one?
Well the truth of course is this
I don't want to miss you more
Than I already do

I've been screaming
My lungs out
'Cause I'm wishing
You were here with me now
I'm impatient, I apologize.
But I'm human,
And I'm selfish.
Got the feeling
I should deal with this.
But I'm hiding
Where no one knows.
They don't.

Said I don't want to go, cause it means
I'd have to throw
this element of mine aside.
I'm afraid, confused
And I don't have a clue,
as to what to fear in you.

So what if I don't want to be the lonely one?
Well the truth of course is this
I don't want to miss you more.
What if I don't want to be the lonely one?
Well the truth of course is this
I don't want to miss you more
than I already do.
Than I already do.

The video is just a static image, but you can hear the song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vIZZgpb2sDI

In a funk

I am not sure why.

Part of it, I'm sure, is due to trying to get back to life as usual after thinking I was pregnant then having that taken away. Today, back at work, I had to sit on the same toilet where I steadied myself only a few weeks ago as I read a digital HPT that said "YES". Today, I just sat there feeling empty.

I love Wyatt, of course. He is a light in my life and brings me so much joy and happiness. But I still can't shake the feeling of the loss, even if it was the loss of something I was never promised and never really had. An ectopic is NOT the same as being pregnant and losing it, right? It could have never became anything anyway.

Yet I still keep seeing hummingbirds everywhere I go. Perhaps because somewhere in my mind I am looking for them, looking for the hope to still be there. I don't want to say goodbye to my little hummingbird even though she is already gone.

I need to scream, though there is no place to do that. I need to cry, although I am told over and over that "everything is ok". Maybe it is. But that pain is still there, tainting everything I do.

When I bathe Wyatt, I think of how sweet it would be to have two in the bath, playing with each other.

When Wyatt was at the splash pad this weekend, I thought how he needs to learn how to play and wonder if he would already know if he had a brother or sister to learn with.

This ache in my heart, this feeling of someone missing, is just so strong. And to have my dream held out to me on a white stick covered in pee then yanked away with yet another scar across my belly... it's just so unfair. I can't quit asking WHY. Why did it even have to happen? I didn't need that. There was no purpose to it.

Luckily, my life doesn't leave me much time for wallowing. There is much to do, don't you know. I have a boy to care for, a job to do, a house to clean, and a husband. I can't just sit around crying, and I suppose that's a good thing.

For now, I will try to heal. Inside and outside. And keep trying to find a way to bring my hummingbird to me when my body has the energy to move again.

Crystal

Rocks

He was wearing khaki shorts and kept putting his hand in his right pocket. I said "Look!" and showed him how to put a rock in there. So he spent the next 10 minutes or so collecting rocks and putting them in his pocket. When it was full, I said "You know you have another one on the other side." and opened it up to show him. So he was spinning in circles trying to get a rock in that side too. It was super cute.

He is saying new words constantly now. Some new ones:

- squish
- black
- "burpa" (purple)
- burp
- push (he said it before but he says it perfectly now)
- snap
- clip
- tick tock, dong (when he hears the clock making noises)

He is so cute and funny and just makes my heart almost burst with joy.

Crystal

A lady in the elevator...

...had her reel of ultrasound pics and a big smile on her face. "Did you find out what you are having?", I asked. "A girl!", she answered.

I said congrats but inside it was like a knife twisting in my belly. Minutes earlier in the doctor's office, I stopped to say hi to an adorable 6 week old boy being held by his cigarette-smelling grandfather.

This sucks. I am supposed to be smiling and pregnant and happy. Not hurting and barely able to walk for NO REASON WHATSOEVER. Why did this even happen? I don't get it. Just so I can be reminded again that I can't have more kids? Thanks... just what I needed.

Crystal

Oh my love, my darling...

I posted these in the funny kid story thread and want to remember them...

=========================

Ok, so Wyatt doesn't really make any funny comments yet, but here's a couple funny things.

He likes to walk up behind me when I'm bending down cleaning, poke me right in the middle of my butt, and say "Butt-butt!" I don't know WHERE he got that!!!!

Another one... we were lying down. I asked him if he wanted me to sing to him. He nodded yes. So I started singing one of my usual songs, and he shook his head no. So I tried another one. He shook his head no. We tried about 5-6 songs and finally I didn't know what else to sing, so I started "Unchained Melody". He must have liked that one because he laid his head back down on my arm to listen. I got all the way through the song, up to that really high note... I sang "I NEEEEEEEED your love", trying to hit that high note, and he jerked his head up, looked me square in the eye, and shook his head no. LOL. I almost died I was laughing so hard.

Crystal